Best interests. (edited)

It was with uncanny timeliness that I read a little passage of writing, which made little sense to me till my remembrance of it brought out its piercing relevance in my own situation and circumstance.

Well, what did that passage on not seeking justice for oneself have to do with anything?

For the past two and a half months, being posted to the Eye department has been eye-opening indeed (no pun intended). The learning culture brims with excellence and spontaneity, and the subject matter captures my imagination like no other facet of medicine has ever done so. Yet, inner struggles at work challenge me each day to face my insecurities and sense of identity, and it was this passage that brought me encouragement, and peace to a heaving soul.

During the first month or so, being thrown into a completely new environment had been rather stressful, to say the least. The volume of unconquered knowledge, the danger mines, the new-ness of it all placed demands on many of us juniors that we were not prepared for. Yet, it was thoroughly enjoyable. Nonetheless, discrepancies at work which I tried to overlook made themselves more and more apparent as time went by. At the beginning, I was rostered to do significantly more “manual-centred” duties, instead of “knowledge-based” duties, such as interviewing patients to assess their fitness for cataract surgeries instead of being in the general eye clinics where one gets to examine patients through a special slit-lamp and see a wide variety of diseases and learn about Ophthalmology in detail. I was comforted by being told that this discrepancy would eventually even out as time went by and eventually the less glamorous “manual-centred” duties would be equally borne by everyone, but was sorely disappointed to realize that the July roster was glaringly similar. I found out that majority of my time would be spent with the “labour-intensive” tasks or comparatively more menial duties, compared to others, who would spend most of their time at the general clinics instead. I asked myself if I was seen to be incompetent, or slow, then decided to be upfront to ask, and was told very simply that it was because, unlike my other colleagues who were as junior as I was, I was not a trainee in the programme. I had known this from the start, and in fact, had embraced it with joy and peace, in knowing that I was not bound to the department for 5 years before actually working in it first. My classmates had been more daring to apply for traineeship, and got into the Eye training programme. I, on the other hand, preferred to be considered a non-trainee first, at least before I had made up my mind to make a 5-year and lifelong commitment eventually.

Now, after knowing that Ophthalmology is truly a subject I enjoy very much, the discrepancy in training grates on me daily, and the day-to-day monotonous grind of interviewing patients instead of doing specialized eye examinations reminds me of the what-could-have-been and what-I-am-missing.

Today, on a rare occasion, I was supposed to be rostered to a general Eye clinic to see patients on my own. But a colleague who was supposed to be interviewing patients called in sick, and I was picked from the lot immediately to cover his duties.

I felt truly discouraged. After all, had I not been rostered enough as it was outside the clinics? I reminded myself that I was not a trainee and hence did not have a structured programme, unlike the rest, who had a fixed curriculum to go through. But, being the only non-trainee among the other juniors and having to do significantly more work that is considered more “menial”, has resulted in discouragement and a sense of being out-of-the-group.

I started the day covering the duties of my colleague, struggling to find joy and struggling to guard my heart against bitterness. It was hard. Then I remembered that passage, and determined to find joy in gratitude.

From the passage, I learnt, that looking for justice breeds a bitter and complaining spirit. It breeds self-pity and discontentment, instead of fostering trust in God’s best intentions. Do we not trust that He has our best interests at heart? Do we not trust that He will bring about justice? Do we not believe He loves us and cares for us?

It was then that I realized, that not being a trainee gave me more time away from the stresses of studying. It gave me the luxury of time to plan for our wedding, settle in, buy furniture, cultivate relationship, and invest in marriage. It gave me space to be involved in other community service projects, to continue with my third book which will likely be launched later this year, and to explore a new ministry in marriage, instead of being caught up in the traineeship frenzy of studying, taking exams, and taking more exams. Being accepted into a training programme as a trainee is important, but I also see God’s grace in setting this year aside for me to invest in marriage and personal affairs, before I enter a full-fledged 5-year training programme later on.

Being human, we naturally place our worth in what we’ve been given to do. But God being God, on the other hand, brings value, worth and honor to the work instead. However “menial” or small the task, I forgot that it brings Him great joy when we choose to do it joyfully, gratefully, intentionally. It builds character, humility and steadfastness. In the mission field later on, or even in marriage, would I only choose to do the “glamorous” tasks, and shy away from the necessary but mundane tasks of cleaning the toilet, wiping up messes? Perhaps, this is all training for a future I do not yet know of.

After work, sitting down with a colleague also gave me perspective. Today at the general clinic, drama broke out when a patient or two started shouting and threatening to sue for being made to wait so long; one patient even made a nurse cry. Patients had to be seen so very fast because of the heavy load. Four of our key staff were sick, and it was a huge toll on us. I had a patient who had come early at 1.30pm and only ended up seeing me at 4.30pm. That gold-toothed, wizened man merely smiled benevolently at me and said, “I know you’re very busy today, doctor.”

At about 3.30pm in the afternoon, my nurse then informed me that we had missed doing a chest X-ray for a patient who was going for an operation first thing the next day. In a scenario like that, the patient had every right to be upset, angry and demanding. Instead, the voice over the phone was so very grateful that I called her back, and assured me she was so grateful for everything we were doing for her to prepare her for the operation. I then realized, all this was God’s grace.

It was God’s grace for the very uneventful day in spite of the monstrous workload; it was God’s grace that I “stumbled” upon that passage just a few days ago; it is God’s grace that at the end of a busy day, I can share this with Cliff and pray together and thank God for all He has blessed us with. It was by God’s grace that all my patients were safe.

There is much to be thankful for. I can be thankful that I’m even working for the Eye department in the first place- this non-traineeship position I hold is highly sought after and it is a miracle that I got it; I can be thankful for whatever l am learning now; I can be thankful that even though I cannot see it, God cares for me and has my best interests at heart.

 

“. . . I am with you to deliver you,’ says God.—Jeremiah 1:8”