What did you expect?

“God is using the difficulties of the here and now to transform you,

that is, to rescue you from you.

And because he loves you, He will willingly interrupt or compromise your momentary happiness in order to accomplish one more step

in the process of rescue and transformation,

which he is unshakeably committed to. “

– What did you Expect? By Paul Tripp

 

It was a sad couple of days for the both of us. What was supposed to be a memorable night of encouragement, gratitude and love, ended in disappointment, hurt and tears.

I was disappointed, no doubt. But the reason for my disappointment frustrated me, more. After a few days and weeks of combing through catalogues of weddings, homes and searching for photography and videography services, it took that night of stark disappointment to wake me up from my euphoric stupor.

I realized, that God has greater plans.

That incident (which we have decided to keep a secret between us both) woke me up to realize, that God has placed a purpose and calling upon our lives for a very different purpose, and great effort, courage and determination will be needed to go against the flow of what external forces tell us every day. After that incident, we came to the end of ourselves, realizing how very silly and un-keeping in character it was for us to buy into what the world told us to, and yet stay true to our call.

The world tells us we need a banquet in a five-star hotel, a decent wedding venue, award-winning photographers, on-site videography, flowers, a designer gown and tuxedo, a never-ending guest list. It tells us we need a wedding card design, wedding cards, corsages, flower bouquets, bridal cars, groomsmen, bridesmaids, flower girls, ring bearers, ushers, emcees… it’s no wonder so many engaged couples have to delay their wedding date, suffer pre-marital stress, or even end up fighting. It’s no wonder so many decent, feminine God-loving women morph into Bridezillas trying to get the best deals and juggling a million things at once.

Since when did getting married become so much work?

What happened that day made us realize, that we had a choice, to stress and fuss over which top-notch photographer to hire, which bridal service to rent, which package to buy… or, to return where God’s heart was, keeping it simple, and true to its cause. After all, with us being able to take leave, our church venue being available, and our senior pastors and families being able to attend the ceremony, did anything else really matter that much? What happened that day made us realize, that it wasn’t so much the event that was important, as much as it was each other, our friends and families and the marriage ahead of us. Before we had to plan for this day, we used to spend much time reading books and attending courses to prepare ourselves for this lifelong journey called marriage. Why should things be any different now? A wedding event is but for a day, a honeymoon for a week. But a marriage, well, that’s for a lifetime.

It became acutely aware to us, that our calling should define the decisions we make and that the incident that happened was God’s way of rescuing us from ourselves, in particular, me.

In some ways, I struggle more. In my workplace, doctors marry doctors, their combined incomes allow for a comfortable lifestyle, and proposals or weddings in expensive restaurants with fine dining are a given. Diamond engagement  rings, extravagant 100-stalk bouquets, made-to-measure wedding gowns and a wedding cast consisting of a $8000-package photography and $5000-package videography is not uncommon. That day during one of our discussions, we looked at all the different things we “had to” budget for and saw how much it cost. You said, “Do you what we could do with this amount of money?”

“Build an orphanage!” We laughed unanimously, then became sober.

Yet, I didn’t realize, how all these cultural and societal influences had seeped into my skin unconsciously and tainted my heart, denaturing my expectations and causing me to forget… that a wedding is anything but about the glitz and glam, it is anything but outdoor shoots, overseas photography packages and glossy albums, it is anything but about trawling through catalogue after catalogue looking at package after package that promises you a perfect day.

A wedding is not about that at all.

A wedding is about People. It is about love, life and living; it is about food, fellowship and families. It is about celebrating love and God’s divine sense of purpose in bringing two different persons together for one purpose. It is about standing in awe of His orchestration in bringing us together when we were literally ten thousand miles from each other. We were in different times zones, even. A wedding is about gathering loved ones together, to connect, to eat, to bond over food, music and fellowship. A wedding is about the bride and not the dress, about the union and not everything else. It is about honouring God, and people. Sure, stellar photography and videography and a high-class venue would certainly add flair to the event, but was it what God had intended for us? I still remember that very tragic day months ago when my parents said they didn’t approve of us marrying this year (they’re fully behind us now, of course)- we were desperate, to the point of asking God just for a simple ceremony just so we could be together officially. Love is crazy, yes.

After learning a very painful but essential lesson that day, I realize how different the plans God has in store for us and our future are.

Your formal proposal last weekend did not come with a diamond ring in a box, flowers or music in a fancy restaurant. It did not come with superfluous words or tacky poetry. Your proposal might even have seemed unacceptable by worldly standards.

But it was memorable for me. Your ring for me reminds me of how special you are. It had no diamond. It did not even have a stone. But it means a lot. Only you would have thought of keeping the ring that I had bought myself 4 years ago during a difficult season of my life (before I met you) which I had worn to stay single for the mission work which I felt God was calling me to do. A very concerned lady pastor who loved me much had taken the ring from me as she felt God had someone special for me. When you came along, she returned the ring to me, and you insisted on keeping it because it meant a lot to you, now that I was with you. You had the word “AGAPE” engraved on the inside, got down on one knee and said you hoped that your love would be like what that word implied, unconditional and sacrificial.

You have consistently displayed that. Even at times when I have been obnoxious, grumpy or difficult. Or all the above.

It made me see, that our definition of a memorable proposal, or a wedding even, should be and is different from what the world tells us it should be. I could have listened to the world, wallowed in disappointment, continue to tie my self-worth to how much is being spent on me, demand you to conform to my expectations, ideations and desires of what a proposal and wedding planning should be or look like. But after much inner struggle and tears, God convicted me, that you are special. You are special because you are nostalgic, sensitive and genuine.

And you are my diamond ring.

Why should love carry a price tag? I then saw how my environment and upbringing taught me to associate love with monetary value, and asked God to release me from that bondage. After that incident, we prayed apart for many days, and when we got back together again, we had a deeper sense of love and purpose for God, and each other.

So yes, we’ve stopped looking around trying to get the best deal. How much more powerful it would be to spend all that time asking God, praying and investing into our marriage instead, things of eternal value? I held on so tightly to things which I thought I needed and wanted: good pre-wedding and wedding photography, videography, a nice dress, a good programme et cetera, et cetera. I saw what other people had and coveted. That day, when I let go, I felt such a release in my spirit, such freedom and such joy.

I learned, that God is not so much interested in our momentary happiness, as much as He is in our eternal joy. Through this process of dying to our flesh and releasing our selfish desires, we drew closer to God spiritually, and were able to return to our focus on missions and our heart’s desire to serve the poor together. Instead of relying on what we earned, drawing up monstrous excel tables and taking money from our parents, wouldn’t it be more exciting to see how God would provide for us?

With the wedding five months away, we have nothing booked or planned, except for the church venue. No reservations. No gown. No plans for décor. No wedding invites. Nothing. Instead of getting caught in the flurry and whirlwind of planning and buying furniture and making phonecalls, we decided it was best to be still and see what God had to stay about this.

God said: I will provide.

And so we will wait.

The day after I let go, a friend texted me: Wai Jia, my videographer friend and I wonder when you would be free to meet? He told me he’s willing to shoot your wedding for free. A photographer friend also volunteered his time and service. Sure, our wedding might not be shot or filmed or contributed by multi-international-award-winning artistes, but it would be done with heart. It would come from God, because we were willing to free our hands, which were once fists tightly clenched to hold onto the things of this world, but were now free to become open palms to receive God’s blessings. Instead of telling God what we wanted, we have decided to let Him decide what to give us. It is much more exciting to pray and see our prayers answered. I could only arrive at this place after learning to let go- learning that I don’t need a three-tiered cake, or ribbons and flowers draped all over the church hall and other “extra” things. After all, from the start, the wedding was out of my imagination: I had always dreamed of an outdoor wedding, but God pointed us to a church wedding indoors where we could comfortably share our story to a large audience; I had always dreamed of a large poofy gown, but the one you liked was extraordinarily different; I had always subconsciously dreamed of a wedding with the full works, but we now realize simplicity is not just a choice, but a worthy character and value to have.

I had so many subconscious expectations about so many things, but God renewed my mind again and again to let go. Nevertheless, He has promised us hope, abundance and provision, even though we do not see it as yet. We let go and adjusted our expectations, but look forward hopefully to what God has in store for us.

So here’s saying in advance, thank you God, for releasing us from the enslavement of wedding planning. Thank you for helping me realize how special he is, what a very special ring I have, and what a very special man I have. A friend told me, that being with him, might kill more of my expectations than I imagined, but would grow me into a better person. Since letting go, we have found so much joy and freedom watching people’s shocked expressions that we have no package or gown or anything booked yet. Instead of getting caught in the frenzy, we just want to sit and be still and make decisions birthed from a posture of security and holiness, instead of from insecurity and flesh.

Maybe we won’t have a gown. Maybe we won’t have fanfare. Maybe it will be radically different from what we expected at first. Instead of wallowing in disappointment prematurely, we look forward to seeing how God will provide for us, just like how He answered so many of our prayers before.

We will wait upon God, and know that the wedding we’ll have may not match up to the world’s expectations, but it will be the one He wanted us to have.

 

“ You can be realistic and hopeful at the very same time.

Realistic expectations are not about hope without honesty, and they are not about honesty without hope.

Realism is found at the intersection of unabashed honesty and uncompromising hope.

God’s Word and God’s grace make both possible in your marriage.”

–        What did you Expect? By Paul Tripp