I guess I just couldn’t believe it, when God answered my prayer again. It was then I realized that perhaps, He had not, and I was frustrated with myself.
I ought to be happy really, overjoyed and over the moon. But all I feel is a deep sense of loss, guilt and frustration. Without me even suggesting it, my dad offered to sponsor a large part of our wedding- the gown, pre-wedding shoot, bridal car, evening gown etc were all “basic items” which ” I don’t want you to worry about”. Mixed feelings of disbelief and relief and happiness burst inside of me. Wasn’t this everything I had asked for and more? But as the euphoria sank in and we began to thank God for His blessings, a deep sense of self-awareness, guilt and anguish came over me.
We’re just so concerned about our own happiness. That was the message shared at church last Sunday, and I couldn’t help but resonate with it. We’re so concerned with what makes us glad and comfortable and happy that we’ve lost that edge to live- to have visions, to dream, to live with that cutting edge- because living with a dream hurts, living with a burden to help the hurting costs and hurts. I couldn’t tell if I was disappointed with myself or with that sense of disappointment I felt when I realized that having it all wasn’t what I was looking for at all. After pining and dreaming and praying for God to bless us, and after God had seemed to answer my prayer, just like how He answered my prayer when I asked for a road bike previously, I felt Him asking me ever so gently: is this what you really want?
A commercialized package with everything thrown in, everything that the world could offer you with fairytale allure. Was this the best I could dream of? My dad was willing to sponsor- “it’s once in a lifetime”. But isn’t everything a once-in-a-lifetime choice as well? That decision to give away instead of hoard, that decision to stop for the face in the street instead of passing on by, that decision to love instead of hate. We’ve all got one chance, too.
“It’s more convenient, just buy the package.” Hasn’t it always been more convenient to go on holiday than a mission trip, to walk on instead of stopping for someone in need? I’m afraid what this might do to me.
Tomorrow, I’ve been invited to give a talk at a tertiary institution for its Book Prize ceremony. I entitled my talk “Being a Catalyst”, and have been encouraged to share about my experiences in social service and community work. It was when I was looking through my old photos in Africa and Smokey Mountain that I realized just how much the past one year has changed me- I hate to admit it, but the rigors of hundred-hour work weeks for the past one year, with it’s rough and unpleasant brushes at work and discouraging experiences having taken a toll on my soul. Swallowed by the world, I have lost the anguish I once had for the lost and the poor, and have merely become content with “being happy”. Whatever happened to sacrifice? Whatever happened to cost and laying ourselves down for the poor and being willing to make a stand?
We just worked, and worked, and lost that sacred place in our hearts called Love. Peace has found no home in our overcrowded hearts, filled with entertainment and work and dread and that empty longing for a fleeting star called Happiness.
Those commercialized packages promise you happy endings. They promise you blue skies and endless trains of white lace and convenience. They promise you the best of everything and more. They promise you faceless photographers who take your photos with great skill and no heart, and for a hefty price, too. They promise you everything at the tips of your fingertips because you’re willing to pay the price. After all, you deserve it. It’s your big day. You. You. You. It’s just all about you. I don’t mean to offend anyone by writing this- I honestly believe God has different plans for different folks, for reasons we cannot understand, and I am just struggling in my own journey to catch a glimpse of what He wants for our two lives. Cliff has no issue about going small and cosy and low-cost, it is I who struggles with dreaming and toeing the line between receiving what may be God’s blessing versus my own selfish gratification.
As crazy as it sounds, I think it’s not so much about what I want as much as what He wants. While many can justify that God wants the BEST and only the best for us, I’m not sure if I can translate that into having everything our hearts desire. If that can be translated into a commercialized wedding package with a few-thousand dollar seal on it.
We promise you blue skies and smiles everlasting.
Because of the way my department allocated leave to us, I could not take leave for a mission trip to Calcutta like we had intended to in August. As a result, we might go to the slums of Calcutta, to Mother Teresa’s home after our wedding for our honeymoon instead. Crazy? I know. And how would we reconcile that grand celebration with the flourishing begging industry in the slums of India, how would we put our flawless wedding portraits next to our pictures with the children in the streets.
Once, I dreamed. Once, I dreamed of serving the poor and going out to the streets and living with them. Now, I wake up thinking about the next two chapters of the textbook I need to catch up on before clinics start and how to find time to finish that research paper I started. How did I end up this way. And I cannot sleep because tomorrow after the talk, my 2 close friends, even more excited and I, are accompanying me to a bridal shop. It was supposed to be so much fun. Until I realized that I could never justify the thousands of dollars spent on frivolous items. Sure, it wasn’t my own money and perhaps hence not my “responsibility” to steward- but doesn’t all we have come from God and isn’t everything He owns and blesses us with, our responsibility to steward and use wisely and judiciously, not just for His sake but for the sake of our own nature, too?
I feel terrible. Cliff would have been all right with a small, cosy, no frills sort of affair. But I was the one who wanted to believe that God would provide. He surely did, in quick time too, but I’m just not sure if this was whet He truly thought I would be happy with. It will be a sleepless night tonight.
Anguish, and not happiness, is the soul of change, of impact, of inspiration. And I’m not sure if I’ll have this figured out anytime soon.
Hi Wai Jia,
You may not know me but I was a face in the crowd that was blessed by your life’s testimony at the NP Bookprize award today.
When you walked up the podium I was expecting another “how to make yourself successful” kind of presentation but I was really pleasantly surprised by the purpose and the message that you’ve prepared!
As you continued your sharing, I could gradually tell that you were a woman of God that loves Him and I would like to encourage you that what you are involved in is exactly the kind of things that Jesus told us to do – “to love others as ourselves”.
Upon reading your blogpost, I can’t help but resonate with your thoughts – I’m currently undergoing internship, 9 am – 6/7pm working hours and everytime upon reaching home, I would just throw my bags down & satisfy my own selfish desires for entertainment, leaving God the scraps of the time I have left during quiet time.
I realised that the repetition & mundaneness of work was gradually taking a toll on my walk with God as evident when I felt empty on the inside, not because He has left me (He was ALWAYS with me), but rather because I have neglected Him.
One way to really remind myself of my identity is to remove myself from this “world” through mission trips where I’m free & detached from the burdens of studies/work. I can fully focus my energies & resources on doing His will and find out more and more about Him each day!
I am really encouraged by what you are engaged in as there is really eternal value in it – investing in the souls & needs of others. If there is any way that I can possibly help in, (e.g. financing, manpower, etc.) please do drop me an email as I want to be part of your calling – to impact the lives of others!