“It is when attraction wanes, flaws show,
and the dream of a happy family dies that
real love has its best opportunity to germinate and grow.”
– What Did You Expect? By Paul Tripp
I guess when he said no, the word was foreign to me and a thousand emotions ran through my head like a steamer over a street road. No, because here, here and here, he said, referring to that Microsoft Excel sheet, you will be in the red. You left out this, this and this. You’re not ready for it this year.
He made living on our own sound like the hardest thing in the world, as if it could tear us apart because of the daily stresses of making ends meet and living with another person and finding time to cook, clean, wash on our own. It would be so hard. He made marriage sound like a possible living purgatory and said poor planning was what tore so many unions apart.
And you know what? I do think, that dad is right.
I really wanted to be upset with him. But later, saw how difficult it was to be so. Because it is true- while I’m no expert on the matter, I do believe a great deal of marriages are set up for failure because of the unrealistic expectations seeded inside us since we were little. But thinking about it, really sitting down and staring at it squarely in the face, made me see how making ends meet, adjusting to living in close proximity with a person and moving into a whole new environment won’t be a walk in the park.
It scared me. All this while I’ve been living in a sanitized, Polly-Pocket haven with everything I ever needed at my feet. Now, this adjustment would call for living in a smaller space, under a tighter budget and with greater responsibilities. Were we ready for the daily stresses ahead? Was I ready?
It made me think about the time I was in Africa. I had met a couple who striked me in a deep way. She was from Scotland, one of the coldest places on earth, and at a tender age of 24, my age. had gone to serve in the sweltering heat of Mozambique. He was 12 years older, from London, and soon after meeting her and encountering God, gave up his job at a multi-million MTV company to become a missionary with her. They both served together in the oven-baked land, wearing the same 2 or 3 outfits all the time, living in a little place they called home in the midst of orphans, the needy and the poor. They were incredibly close-knit: they only had each other. Yet, I believe the struggles they faced paled not in comparison to those faced by urban couples. They likely faced even more difficulties, because of the little they had and the subconscious pressures of living in a land of so little and great scarcity.
She is a missionary’s wife. Could I live that way too?
Dad and mum clarified themselves later on: What they meant was not that they disapproved or were upset or wanted to be discouraging. It was that they could not bear to see me living a standard of life lower than what I am living now. But it is inevitable, I’ve been wanting to say without breaking their hearts, because this is what God has called me to.
Ever since I knew God, I have always wanted to marry a pastor, or a missionary. (Or both!) And while it may seem like a “big sacrifice” in the eyes of man, this pales in comparison to the sacrifice God made for us, and to the invisible heavenly riches He gives us in return. It brought to my mind another couple I met in Nepal- she got married at 24 (we share the same birthday!), her husband was a Thai missionary and I stayed at their home for a few weeks in Kathmandu. They had little, their home was small, they had many cultural differences to work through, but God bound them together in love for the shared dream of bringing hope, joy and life to the many lifeless souls of orphans in their community there.
Last week, I met with a distant friend whom I had not met in ages. Having divorced, she shared with me her lessons learnt and wished me all the best in my future. “It will go well for you, even if you have little,” she said, “because you two share the same dreams and similar interests. Both of you put God first. We stayed in a big condo, we never lacked, I had everything, but I had nothing. You, however, will have nothing, but have everything. And how wonderful that will be.”
It reminded me of the many missionary couples I have met in the field over the past many years. They have “nothing”, and yet everything. God never caused them to lack. The hardships they faced together forced them closer to each other and to rely more on God.
“The trouble you face in your marriage is not an evidence of a failure of grace.
No, those troubles are grace.
They are the tools God uses to pry us out of the stultifying confines of the kingdom of self
so that we can be free to luxuriate in the big-sky glories of the kingdom of God…
… One of the beautiful things that marriage is meant to do
is drive each of us away from habits of self –reliance into patterns of dependency on God.”
– What Did You Expect? By Paul Tripp
“It’s not that we object. We just want you to be comfortable.”
I have thought aloud before: What makes me so sure? It makes me more certain because in living more simply and with less, I see the beauty of God’s hand in this, preparing me, and us for the time that is to come when we move to the mission field for real. This is a controlled step-down from comfortable living, and I believe that in time, God will bring us to lower and humbler places as we continue to follow faithfully. It finally came to a point where I realized, that even if my folks would offer us a more comfortable place to stay, it may simply be God’s will to want us to choose the option of a simpler life to know how it truly feels like to lead a simple lifestyle, and to eke out a living, just like majority of the population anyway.
Will I be able to adjust? Will I be able to be joyful and content in all circumstances?
Yes, it will be hard. Yes, we will have “nothing”. But amidst the difficulties we shall find ease in Him, and in nothing, shall we find everything.
We are –still- hopeful.
“I have been young, and now am old;
yet have I not seen the righteous forsaken, nor his seed begging bread. “
– Psalm 37:25
“But my God shall supply all your need according to his riches in glory by Christ Jesus.”
– Philippians 4:19