Asking for validation, then receiving a cold shoulder is painful.
Yesterday was one of those days. It was a mentor whom I’d asked for a testimonial. I was certain he’d say yes. But no.
My heart broke. I had other mentors who said yes in a heartbeat, but there I was- crushed, deflated.
It triggered something deep. I knew he didn’t see value in giving a testimonial for my speaking. He’s always wanted me to “take my career more seriously” so I can save more lives. Not do this fluffy speaking about hope & inspiration. Even if I felt it saved lives, too.
I began to doubt myself- is this a useless gift? Since it can’t be measured, is it of no value?
Deep down, I knew it triggered a shame button. At the back of my mind on some days (though rarely now,) I still wonder- if id let myself down by not being a surgeon to save more lives.
Just on Sunday, I’d preached about confronting our pain, petitioning to God about it, then walking through it- instead of brooding. I’d talked about how embracing, leaning into our pain and moving through it is healthy- how my walking through 18 hours of labor helped me deliver my first baby in a drug-free homebirth.
And there I was, CHAMPION of Brooders, moping in my misery. 😪
Like me, have you too, felt paralyzed with disappointment by an unexpected disapproval? Maybe it’s a job you took up, which your parents frowned at. Maybe it’s a decision you made, which your mentor tsk-tsked over. Maybe it’s a calling you’re investing in, to someone’s dismay.
“Why do you care what he thinks if you know it’s what God has called you to do?”
Yet, grieve anyway. Disappointment hurts. But when all your tears are cried, wipe your face clean, and walk on- head high, knowing that if Your Father is calling, then that’s where you’ll be headed for the only praise that should ever matter. Keep walking.
I look at my 3-year old’s face, filled with glee, and remind myself of the delight she exults in, secure in her Father’s love. Let’s bathe in that love. Because you are so loved. Loved beyond measure.