I confess- giving sacrificially for a while can be the gift in itself. But when everyone else receives recognition, while you keep pouring yourself out and fading into the background, the twinge in your heart can feel like a stab.
I remembered that feeling- that gnawing, shame-inducing envy.
One day, after a long, tear-filled talk with a mentor, I decided to move on.
I decided- that no matter what, I’d do what I did. I decided- that serving without recognition was better than desiring to help but being unable to. As my colleagues serving in the pandemic received accolades and I didn’t, I wiped away my tears, took deep breaths and carried on.
Through the crushing, I began to believe, really believe- that in a world rife with contradictions, we cannot let ourselves be defined by external rewards. We must define ourselves, instead, through our own values.
When we show up consistently to our beliefs for the long haul, when we do what we do even when no one’s looking, when we pay the price willingly, THAT’S the ultimate prize.
Months after I’d learned this, after everyone I admired was awarded publicly, after it didn’t matter anymore, this award came out of nowhere.
So shocked was I that besides my husband, I didn’t share it with anyone else. I didn’t know what to feel. Surprise?
Looking back, the wait in the dark was God’s mercy. I grew to learn, that having an award or not no longer defined me. The validation no longer made or broke me.
It was an encouragement- I could smile, give it an appropriate place in my life, and move on. I needn’t feel like a fraud nor a hot air balloon.
What is it today that you’re discouraged by? What kind of recognition do you yearn for?
If you’re a stay-at-home-mum, or a struggling entrepreneur, some days get tough.
But perhaps, if we take a step back to discover our whys, we might rediscover our wonder and allow the privilege of living out our passion, to be our prize in itself- once again.
And discover, above all, that you’re precious beyond measure, whether or not you’re awarded publicly or not.