For months, I’d looked forward to this day. But when I clicked and saw the same figure stare back at me, my stomach lurched.
I crumpled inwards, tears welling up.
I’d been promised a pay raise by my boss last October. It’s now March. But nothing had changed.
I imploded. Guilt washed in- how could I have made such poor career choices? Shame reared it’s ugly head- I am a poor mother.
Why did I go part-time? It was a stupid decision, especially as a sole breadwinner. Why didn’t I stay in clinical work, I would have earned a lot more. Why. Why. Why.
My boss must have changed his mind. Tears streamed down.
Like me, have you ever felt so besieged by emotion, that you spiral endlessly downwards?
The funny thing was- all these months, I had been earning the same amount. Why did a realization of this now, be such a blow?
Taking a deep breath, I willed myself to practice what I’d learned on Emotional Agility:
1. Instead of bottling or brooding over my emotions, I could show up, accept them kindly and curiously.
2. I could ask myself- what do my emotions tell me about what I value?
As soon as I did, I realized that my grief told me I valued my work. Yet, my true values pointed me to what I treasured more- time with family, my integrity of going part-time rather than heeding the advice of seniors who’d said, “you should have just kept the same pay and worked less- who would know?” My emotions told me I over-valued pay as a benchmark of my identity and called me out on my hypocrisy.
My heart stopped racing. The act of valuing my emotions, however “negative” I felt them to be, enabled me to move forward.
Two days later, I found out my boss hadn’t changed his mind. Due to the system, the raise would be in July.
If you’ve ever struggled with big feelings, would you take a deep breath? Instead of berating yourself, would you accept how you feel, gently and curiously, and ask yourself what you value? For it is only by showing ourselves compassion, can we truly gain clarity, find our compass, our true north and gently lead ourselves forward, gently and courageously.