The Right Answer.

“I don’t know” is a frustrating answer.

Worse than a yes or no, “I don’t know” puts us in an uncomfortable position of unpunctuated limbo, filled with exasperated tension.

Even “Maybe” or “Perhaps” reveal a sliver of possibility- they represent the mysterious semi-colons in the sentences of our lives, but “I don’t know” is simply a black space, screaming for words and punctuation.

Recently, over lunch with a younger girl passionate to make a difference to our world, I asked her, “What are your plans?”

“I don’t know” was her sheepish reply.

Guilt and crestfallenness clouded her face. It was as if it was a wrong answer, something to be ashamed of.

“That’s awesome,” I said.

A quizzical look replaced the previous shame which flushed her cheeks.

The hard truth is that, in this day and age where we are encouraged to live out our lives to produce perfect, polished answers, as a prelude to living out an unprecedentedly successful life, “I don’t know” has become unacceptable. It suggests ineffectualness, wavering resolution, and almost a pitiful sense of aimlessness.

At the age of 18, our young people are expected to have big dreams, glowing aspirations and a ten-year roadmap complete with immaculate blueprints.

“I don’t know” belongs to the dark confessions of the shameful, or (gasp) shameless.

In medical school, where many would agree to be a microcosm of magnified expectations, ambition is revered. The earlier you knew what you wanted to be- a neurosurgeon, ophthalmologist, paediatrician, the more maturity, drive and passion was attributed to you.

The “I don’t knows” became the presumed wanderers, ascribed to a future of unglamorous, generalist training. But few know the inside story, that beneath a strong, stoic veneer of passion and fortitude, lies a young person who may not yet have experienced or seen the world.

Eager to find my own answers, I carved out my own career plans to be a surgeon, not knowing it wasn’t where God wanted me to be, or what He wanted me to do.

“I don’t know” seemed and perhaps, still is unacceptable, and I wasn’t willing to risk looking dumb among my community, medical or otherwise.

Faced with a life-changing episode of Cliff’s medical crisis just before we married, I was pushed into examining what really mattered in life. Caught between denial and grief, I refused to grapple with the disconcerting pain of not knowing what I wanted anymore.

When I finally uttered the words “I don’t know” what I was going to do with my career after we knew God had called us to the mission field, I knew I would face an intimidating barrage of unanswerable questions, raised eyebrows and disapproving comments. True enough, I did.

After all, we celebrates goals, carefully circumscribed in the glittering rims of certainty. Uncertainty is frowned upon.

Yet today, having found a deep sense of purpose in what may be deemed “unglamorous”- teaching young people about global health and doing research about underprivileged communities, spending days in the heartlands interviewing vulnerable migrants for hours on end, continuing the capacity-building project between Uganda and Singapore… I can never be more grateful for having then said, several years ago- “I don’t know”.

Once I had realized I did not need to feel accountable to my peers, seniors and in-circles, “I don’t know” became a grand liberation- it freed and continues to free me to be open to God’s leading, it opened and continues to open new paths I could not previously imagine, it beckoned and continues to beckon me to press in in prayer, to ask God what He has in store in the future.

That young lady, with a heart filled with love and “I don’t know”s, was in a wonderfully blessed place to be.

“Wow, I feel so relieved hearing you share that it’s okay to say ‘ I don’t know’. I keep feeling I have to have the right answer.”

Today, we are all looking for “How To”s. We are looking for a direction, tips, contacts, a formula. Ever so often I receive a text message or email asking me to meet someone who wants to know how to publish a book, how to do a book launch, how to find a cause to support.

Without wanting to come across as arrogant, I often struggle with sharing my real answer- because I know it will disappoint. The answer simply is… There is no formula, there is no one way or right answer.

The truth is, every endeavour is different; every journey, distinct. Every time I had an idea, I never knew how it would turn out- if there was a story in my head that had an ending at all, whether it would mean anything to anyone, who to turn to for help, what cause to fundraise for.

All I know is that every time I prayed and confessed “I don’t know”, that uncomfortable surrender and vulnerability unlocked something in God’s heart to communicate His plans and desires for me.

Without my own agenda, my heart, then opened to the endless possibilities, was finally pliable to God’s still small voice.

So if you’re feeling lost, or confused or aimless this season, know that however uncomfortable and unnerving it feels, it may not be a bad place to be. You are not answerable to the world, but to Whom has created you. The place of utter surrender and abandonment is a destination only for those willing to suffer on the route of uncertainty.

“I don’t know” could very well be the turning point, for your very next breakthrough.