We had both been going through a trying time.
With the uncertainty and s-t-r-e-t-c-h-ing of our patience in waiting on God for His answers with regards to mission work, the making of several large decisions in faith relating to employment and housing and family matters without any firm answers from God about where we would be heading next year, the discovery of a health condition I had had probably for months or years, and the stress of addressing the questions of concern and anxiety of both sides of our families with regards to our future plans… it was no wonder that it seemed more than challenging to have to deliver a deeply personal speech on the meaning of “Success” at a fundraising gala dinner filled with medical professionals.
At the last moment, I nearly pulled out. Faced with condescension, pressure to conform, and being spurned by someone in the organizing committee who seemed intent on having me speak a script he had written instead of what was upon my heart, it seemed just all too much to take within a few weeks.
At one point, with both of us burdened from the weight of this all, and I myself scarred from disappointment and discouragement, it seemed convenient to put the blame on each other, or on God. It was easy to point fingers, when we were each emotionally affected by the fiery darts that seemed to be thrown at us all at once. But Cliff did not. In the times of utter disillusionment and hurt where I had felt manipulated and used by others, Cliff never belittled how I felt or blamed me for feeling the way I did. He was always listening, always encouraging me, and yet never giving me pressure to deliver a rousing speech which did not come from my heart. “You don’t have to if you don’t want to,” he would say. ”But if you do, have the courage to speak from your heart. Don’t feel pressured to conform. God is in control of this, and I’m right behind you either way.”
Two nights before the event in which I had been invited to speak, I had the most vivid and bizarre dream. Before me, was a beautiful valley of seven glittering rainbow colors, a most breathtaking and dazzling scene. Suddenly, out of the peaceful valley charged five or six bulls, upon which some five to six strong men clung onto each animal. Each bull was very strong and charging fiercely in all directions. I was trying to avoid them, and as I tried to dodge the attacks, I saw a most gory sight- a bull’s bleeding body, without eyeballs, with ears cut, with hooves and its buttock chopped and it’s snout sliced off, fall down in front of me. It was a grotesque sight, and I realized the men on each bull were the ones who had hacked the animal to death.
When I awoke I was rather shocked, but as I asked God for interpretation and understanding of the dream and as He revealed it to me, I had a revelation of peace. It all seemed to make sense to me: the valley representing the low point in our lives, the beauty of the valley representing God’s amazing presence in the refining process, the bulls representing the spiritual attacks which had come to make use of this situation to create chaos and strife, and the men on each bull representing prayer warriors tearing down the strongholds. The heartening thing was seeing one of the bulls massacred in such vividness… and it was strangely comforting to see that gory scene in the dream and know that God was assuring me of His victory over the attacks. It might sound like quite a stretch to interpret it as such, but only the peace of God can convict one.
That, plus Cliff’s endearing encouragement of “Wai Jia, you know, I will always support you no matter what you decide on. But just remember, when God puts you through a test, He has a purpose. And if we don’t pass the test He sets for us, the same test will come our way later in life” convinced me to share at the public event. I realized, it didn’t matter if I offended anyone, it didn’t matter if I didn’t meet up to man’s expectations. It didn’t even matter if I didn’t “perform” well. What mattered was that I was the mouthpiece delivering the message God had laid on my heart.
The event went beautifully, and I received a lot of encouragement on how the message touched many lives, junior and senior doctors alike. God, as He always is, was faithful and broke through for us. During this whole period, Cliff and I grew ever closer to each other and to God, praying ever more fervently, and appreciating each other ever more deeply. Through sleepless nights, nights filled with tears, and even nights punctuated with waking up from bad dreams, we grew closer to each other and to God, knowing that this trial had a purpose in establishing our trust and authority over evil in Him.
Sharing about how the meaning of “Success” changed for me and the difficult issues we had to grapple with when Cliff and I decided to embark on the journey to do mission work.
On screen is a page from my upcoming book, which challenges the meaning of “Success”
As this whole torturous ordeal came to a close, I realized how much I had grown. I learnt, how the enemy we fight against is not the other person, but against evil; I learnt, how crucial it is to believe in who we are, and not conform to what others expect of us; I learnt, how essential it is to anchor our self-worth in God, and not on man’s shifting yardsticks of approval; I learnt, how necessary pain is for growth; and I learnt, how thankful I am for a husband like Cliff, who is never afraid to go through the fiery trials of life with me, hand in hand.
The next morning on Sunday, seeing Cliff lay in deep slumber from the very eventful week, I was overcome with gratitude for his love and encouragement for me all this while. While I was the one on stage receiving the applause, few knew the amount of prayer, encouragement and love he had faithfully and generously dosed on me day after day, through the heartbreaking trials of this season. Without him, I doubt I would have had the courage enough to attend the event, much less share this nerve-wrecking, deeply personal message which must have caused many in the audience to shift in their seats. He gave me courage to trust in God and not man, to stand for what I believed in, and to be brave to decline, if necessary, the speaking invitation if I was not even allowed to be authentic in my sharing.
I decided to take the chance to whip up his favourite egg custard treat as part of breakfast, as a small way of saying thank you, for changing my life, for showing me the true meaning of “Success”, for loving me even when it is painful, or inconvenient, or “burdensome”.
Woke up early the next day to surprise the husband with his favorite egg custard treat, and a card which says,
“Success consists of getting up once oftener than when you fall down.”
My way of saying a maple-syrup drizzled “Thank You” to the most encouraging and wise husband I know.
Thank you Cliff, for being the sterling example of a good soldier of God,
fighting the good fight of faith, hand in hand with me.
“Finally, be strong in the Lord and in his mighty power.
Put on the full armor of God, so that you can take your stand against the devil’s schemes.
For our struggle is not against flesh and blood, but against the rulers, against the authorities, against the powers of this dark world and against the spiritual forces of evil in the heavenly realms.
Therefore put on the full armor of God,
so that when the day of evil comes, you may be able to stand your ground,
and after you have done everything, to stand.
Stand firm then, with the belt of truth buckled around your waist,
with the breastplate of righteousness in place,
and with your feet fitted with the readiness that comes from the gospel of peace.
In addition to all this, take up the shield of faith,
with which you can extinguish all the flaming arrows of the evil one.
Take the helmet of salvation and the sword of the Spirit, which is the word of God.”
– Ephesians 6: 10-17