Refining moments.

We’re not a Super Couple.

Just like everyone else, we have ups and downs, and sometimes it feels like we’re going round and round.

 

 

We are both intense, each wildly adventurous, deeply passionate individuals, and extravagantly in love.

So in equal intensity, when we get upset or hurt or frustrated… it seems like lightning and thunder and all the massive earth-shaking glory of the natural elements vie to keep themselves under cover. Trust me, we have our moments.

I insist, in spite of our “Wonderful Story”, in spite of all the funny and heartwarming and tear-jerking posts on Facebook of all the wonderful and humorous moments we share as a new and cross-cultural marriage, we are not at all, The Super Couple.

Exasperation and exhaustion, do find their way to us. And there are times when being in different places bring the tension of separation, and yet, the sweet breath of relief.

But we find ourselves finding our way back to each other again, as if our hearts, drawn together by a gravitational pull, would rather wither and die than be apart. We sit next to each other, palms faced down, nearly but not yet quite touching, with tears and snot over our faces, wondering how a bowl not placed the right side up, or a pile of newspapers at the corner could have sparked a fire of such enormity. When it burns, forests are destroyed.

But I am so thankful that we have learnt, through the journey of reading shelves of marriage books and attending courses together, that even without solutions, Listening can mend the most broken of hearts, and seal the most fragmented parts of one’s soul. How do you feel, can I listen to you, are you saying I made you feel this way. I’m sorry. Can I share how I feel too?

But even then, there are times when a dying fire finds a dry branch and explodes. Doors, shut, mirror our inner states.

We have learnt to revere the sobering truth, that it is not the number of positive things that determine the outcome of a marriage, but the number of negative things that can destroy one. We have learnt to understand and see the chilling reality, that in most marriages, it is not the big things that threaten, but the little things, tiny things, things as small and as grating as  forgotten dishes and stickers on apples left irresponsibly on tabletops and misplaced books that can wear a foundation down. We have learnt, to treasure and love and seek out the little things, because therein lies the kingdom and the truth.

When you love someone, the little things that matter to him or her matter a big deal to you.

And so in the 168 hours a week, just a little hour on our Sunday afternoons make a world of difference when we lay aside our worries and work and hobbies and enjoyment to commit this little bit of time to each other, sharing little things, using “I” statements instead of “you” accusations. I felt embarrassed when you said this on Wednesday. I felt sad when you walked away from you. I felt belittled when you reacted this way yesterday. Never “YOU did this and that”.

Ah, I see. Are you saying you felt like this that day when I did this. I didn’t realize it.

One hour of concerted effort- of deliberate listening, of consciously using “I” statements, of thoughtful reflection of the other person’s feelings to validate their sorrow- Are you saying you felt invalidated when I did this?

Just listening. Just sharing. It is the most dreaded but most needed hour of the week, where we sit down to clear our emotional debts, clear our accounts, and then start off right again to a week full of early morning and bedtime kisses, train hugs, stolen glances and hands that intertwine and never let go.

 

The kisses and laughter you see don’t come easy. Love is hard work.

 

But work worthwhile, nonetheless.

 

It is the little things that makes Love what it is.

 

Love is putting our anger aside to say, “We can talk about this on Sunday, but let’s not let our conflict control our lives. Let’s enjoy now for now.”

 

It’s you insisting we go out of the house to buy me coffee at my favorite café when I’m feeling low.

 

It’s you saying, “You take the one with two hearts, I’ll take the other” when I ask which cup of coffee you want… me asking why, and you replying unflinchingly, “Because you took my heart!”

 

A little bit of humour, never killed anyone’s day.

 

So we bumble and stumble and sometimes, fall into ditches. (Occasionally getting scraped). But we never deny that we’re not The Super Couple. We are fallible, selfish, unthinking, self-seeking. We say things we don’t mean. We use words stupidly. We are slow to realize that the pain of hurting the other far, far outweighs a momentary sense of discomfort.

 

But I am thankful. For knowing we serve an extraordinary God, who gave you a spirit of extraordinary love, that is being refined more and more in the quiet moments of the morning when I see you hide away in your corner to pray; who gave you a hunger and thirst for what is right; who, in the most heated of moments, gave you the strength to keep your tone gentle and instead of erupting into fury or exasperation, to simply take a deep breath to say, “This… is a refining moment.”

 

We are just a normal couple, just together on a journey learning to love each other more deeply, more than ourselves, like how God loved us.