To be honest, we haven’t figured out what to do to celebrate Valentine’s Day, even though it’s our first as a married couple. Chocolates, a dozen roses, a fancy candlelight dinner… to be honest, we haven’t done any of those things before… But it’s funny, because we don’t intend to either.
When you’re in love you believe you are, together, invincible. You believe you will conquer the world together in mesmerizing and dazzling splendour. Roses and chocolates and fancy dinners and the memories you create on Valentine’s Day are the highlights to your journey.
They say when you get married everything becomes dull. Life becomes routine and all the fireworks and magic of candlelit dinners and surprise candies go out the window. They say Big things don’t happen anymore… Picking you up from work, planning a special date, buying you surprise flowers just don’t happen anymore. Only measly, pathetic “little” things happen in marriage, they say. You have to be happy and celebrate putting the toothpaste cap on with firecrackers- if not, there’ll be nothing left to celebrate but an anniversary recorded on paper.
I am learning, it is not true.
A few days ago, in replying late to another married friend’s email, I apologized, ” I’m still settling down into married life, and time just flies by.”
“Yes,” she replied, a kindred spirit. “I know the feeling, I too wish we had more time.”
Why should I have been surprised? After all, I had been forewarned: Once married, your time for yourself will be greatly diminished. I was afraid of that, really. I liked my freedom, I liked being on my own. I liked not having expectations so I’d never be disappointed.
That night, I thought about where my time had gone. People say living together requires a lot of sacrifice- because it means listening to another person, serving another person, it means dividing your time to do things you wouldn’t normally do on your own and doing chores and folding clothes and cooking for two et cetera et cetera et cetera. You won’t have time for yourself, no more.
That very same night as I lay down to remember my singleness, I also remembered- the scenes of you fighting with me to do the dishes so i could get more rest, putting away the dishes into the cupboards while telling me to go blog or do something I like, cutting fruits for me after dinner, washing the toilets on weekends and doing the laundry, cleaning the toothpaste cup, always voluntarily replacing finishing rolls of toilet paper or replenishing diminishing dishwashing liquid and going out late at night to buy milk because you said to me, “I promised you before we married I would always make you hot milk before you sleep”, turning back to wait for me or get me when I get into little accidents on our bike rides, making detours on your way home so you can pick up a carton of my favorite yoghurt or pick me up personally from work just like when we were dating, walking from the bed to whatever part of the house I’m at in the early morning when you first awaken to give me a peck before you even bathe ( I absolutely love that), listening ever so patiently to my sob stories when I’m having a bad day and carrying me like a little girl and spinning me round and round until I burst out laughing and begging you to stop… and I will never forget, that common but breathtaking scene of you bending over to pick up strands of my stray hair on the floor without a single complaint.
That, to me is Valentine’s Day, every day.
My love language has never been Acts of Service. I lap up words of affirmation, bask in the attention I get from quality time spent with you, melt at your generosity of hugs and kisses, and sap up your willingness to always offer to have me shop more for myself (you insist I don’t treat myself enough)… but I notice I’ve never been as appreciative of the acts of service people do for me, especially if it is done quietly, behind the scenes.
But now, every little thing makes my heart flutter as though it were a kiss, a box of chocolates, a candlelit dinner.
Because yes, maybe in marriage, when the both of you actually have more chores to do combined, time truly does become less. But the Big things don’t disappear. And the small things don’t necessarily become pathetic and laughable. Like many things in life, the little things become and are the Big things. The little things take up the biggest spaces and rooms in the home of your heart, they sow themselves like the tiniest seeds, only to grow into the biggest fruit-bearing tree you’ve ever known, they take root and dive deep and stretch long and reach wide.
Contrary to popular belief, the little things matter a big deal when you live, eat, pray, breathe, sleep with arms draped across each other’s waists like ivy tendrils, and… love together.
That’s Valentine’s for us.
But evidence does show that healthy marriages remain healthy when couples make a BIG deal of little occasions. Like when you spent the entire day watching youtube videos learning how to make origami bunnies and bears and scouring the whole of downtown to look for cotton wool and little reindeer and other knick-knacks to decorate the house behind my back, to give me the Biggest Christmas surprise ever. Or when you bought me lavender roses to celebrate my celebration of your one-year mark in Singapore. We make the Biggest deals of small occasions- you would travel all the way to town just to buy me Garretts popcorn when we plan to watch a rented movie at home.
So it’s not too hard, is it, to say “I love you”?
One doesn’t need a whole wad of cash, a fancy car, or a credit card to pay for marked up menu prices on a single day. You just need to find creative, consistent ways of saying “I love you”, be it through a word of encouragement, a love note in his breakfast box, or a stolen kiss on the cheek.
I still remember, on our wedding day, I dedicated my third picture book, entitled “I love you” to you.
For those of you who want to buy a simple and meaningful gift for your loved one this Valentine’s Day or Lunar New Year, you can purchase a copy of “I love you” from 7 Kickstart Café, or get in touch with us at [email protected] for multiple copies.
So don’t be afraid. Get creative. Make the little things worthy of something BIG to celebrate.
Every day can be Valentine’s Day.
* All proceeds from the books “i love you” will touch the lives of abused, hurting, trafficked or underprivileged children in developing countries. Because the books are fully sponsored, all the proceeds will go straight to the cause.
* Bhotos credited to June, who recently shared a post on Cliff and Wai Jia and “i love you” at MamaWearPapaShirt. Wedding photo credited to Anthony from lettherebelight.