Makes Everything Better.

“Romance, sex and childbearing are temporary gifts of God.

They are not part of the next life. And they are not guaranteed even for this life.

They are one possible path along the narrow way to Paradise.

Marriage passes through breathtaking heights and through swamps with choking vapors.

It makes many things sweeter, and with it come bitter providences.

Marriage is a momentary gift.”

 – “This Momentary Marriage, A Parable of Permanence by John Piper

 

There are some couples who are at most times on the same page, that they can work, live, minister, raise children, and go through the daily rigors of everyday routine and its daily unexpected challenges without conflict. They hardly raise an eyebrow, only occasionally sitting down for an orderly, civil discussion which finishes with harmonious resolution. There are wives who accept everything their husbands are, who commit their every emotional struggle to God instead of confusing or frustrating their bewildered husbands, who cook and clean with a smile on their faces and submit faithfully to the authority placed over them, overcoming every inner turmoil with strong, silent prayer and unshakeable faith. There are couples and women like that. But it’s not us. And that’s not me.

Whatever that they tell you in marriage preparation class and on the papers, it’s true. Divorce rates are on the rise, more and more children are growing up in dysfunctional families and becoming dysfunctional adults, and more and more couples are losing the resolve to overcome the challenges of marriage together. Distractions abound, and the promises of a life of wealth, status and freedom look to be far more appealing than a life of shared property, sacrifice and enforced boundaries. Why would, in the face of unresolved conflict, recycled arguments and repeated stumbling blocks, anyone want to stay in this hard place called marriage?

Commitment, is a word that has lost its vintage charm. Adventure in the form of lust, Freedom in the form of voyeurism, and Prestige in the form of workaholism have earned for themselves better names. When we tire of life here, we travel elsewhere; when we tire of politics at work, we change jobs; when we tire of the same person, we break up and move on. It’s no wonder that when the going gets tough, many lose the resolve to exercise patience and demonstrate endurance to plough through the rough times that make a marriage gold. Plastic, the disposable option, seems to be preferred.

And we might seem like the perfect couple, what with our fairytale romance and divine encounter, we too, are human, and experience the same struggles that many face, of living together, being together and staying together. We aren’t perfect, and tears, hurt and pain stain our time together, too. We have only been married for all but 6 weeks, but already experience the friction of iron sharpening iron. As we overcome struggle after struggle on our own, we too, begin to see how easy it might be for a person to throw in the towel, after years of inner torment. I’m not quite sure who it was who perpetuated the notion that a marriage was supposed to bring one everlasting happiness. But whoever it was, he obviously was not married.

I often wish I was a better wife. I wish I had fewer emotions I could not control, more submission to authority and less I was unhappy with. We have late nights talking, tears and wrestling about issues. I have caused you more grief than I should. At times like those, I often wished things could be different, that somehow perhaps, we could skip all the drama and reach the end at once, joyful and satisfied, without having to go through this swamp of marshy issues.

I cry, because I do not know better. But you hold my hand and kiss me. You leave the house spick and span when I’m away to ease my load. You insist everything I cook is delicious. You feel the same hurt I do. But each day and every day, you choose to love me, again and again. You read me the bible before I sleep. You blow me kisses after I kick a fit. You leave me silly messages with animal emoticons in my cell phone after I want to run away. Over and over, you pursue me, even when I least deserve it.

 

And then I discover the most profound mystery of all. That the love in a marriage is a reflection of God’s love for His church- that in spite of betrayal, hurt and injustice, He chose to love us unconditionally, chose to pursue us relentlessly, still.

 

We can throw marriage, like everything else that is plastic, away. But when we do, we then fail to commit and experience the profound grace, love and mercy in a marriage, that so closely reflects the unconditional love of God towards us, too.

So I cry. I cry because in loving you, I experience a taste of heaven, of what Grace and Unconditional Love is. And then I melt, because though many times I cannot find a solution to our issues, you have given me faith that we can work it out, that no problem is too trivial to sweep under the carpet, and no issue is too big to threaten our bond together. You listen. You hold my hand and sigh and become quiet, but then go against every fibre in your being that is Male to open up to do this strange Female thing called Talk, and even better, you pray. You pray out loud while holding my hand. You believe this moment is temporary, that this frustration and angst and turmoil is only transient, that what we plough through and what we sow in, is however, eternal.

 

And so on Sunday in a little coffeeshop after we had had our argument, though we had not yet come to a resolution, though we had both come to the end of ourselves, and everything that came out of our mouths only grated more, we could take a piece of paper from the coffee table and sketch a little picture together. I drew a Bunny hugging Big Bear. You drew Big Bear shielding Bunny from the thunderstorm, and his sorry state of being drenched by a passing taxi. I wrote a caption for the picture “A Hug Makes Everything Better”, and you suggested another with a witty chinese pun.

We were upset but we could laugh together. We could say, I still love you. We could be a team and say I don’t know what hurt you but I love and care about you and we would work it out together. This would be just the first of many more conflicts to come and we would work things through together.

You were still hurt and upset with me, but you kissed me. I was still hurt and upset, but I kissed you back. We would work it out, not against each other, but together.

 

This is our commitment.

 

 

“For this reason a man will leave his father and mother and be united to his wife,

and the two will become one flesh.”

This is a profound mystery—but I am talking about Christ and the church.

However, each one of you also must love his wife as he loves himself,

and the wife must respect her husband.

– Ephesians 5:31-33