Opportunities.

I still remember the look on your face that day. “I’m sorry. And you have every right to be angry.”

I really didn’t know whether to laugh or cry. Moments after what had happened sunk in, I just wanted to kick a fit and walk myself home. Instead, after a few stuttering words, after a cold war which lasted all but fifteen minutes and a brutal childish spat of words from me as a result of pure frustration, I sat down, trying to understand what this meant, what God had to teach me, teach us, what all this really meant in the light of eternity.

The truth is, marriage is a breeding ground for disappointment and discouragement. In today’s day and age where people prefer to skip processes to receive instant results, it is increasingly popular and preferable to opt out of this covenant commitment altogether. After all, the stakes are high and the returns, uncertain. Why should anyone take a risk like that? Work, projects, races, money, however, all to a certain extent, reap more predictable returns and reap more controllable outcomes. It’s no wonder fewer and fewer people choose to stay in and more and more people choose to opt out.

I still remember that day when I said, “You sure today’s date ain’t gonna be jinxed again?”

After all, it seemed as if all of our planned dates had a knack of going horribly awry. Whenever the word “date” was used, the restaurant had closed down, the queue was too long, timing was bad or the florist had closed its shutters. Something had to go wrong on a date. In contrast, it was the most mundane and everyday sort of routines which left profound impacts and deep memories on me- the many times I was picked up from work, the countless times I had my cold hands warmed, your initiative to watch a sermon or old romantic movie downloaded online, just a warm being to lean into on a weekend afternoon on a picnic mat. But up the notch to turn it into a “date”, when money was spent in a nice place, and it was as if the cosmos raged against us to cause an unceremonious upheaval in the perfectly balanced galaxies. And it seemed, these uncannily jinxed incidents and horrible disappointments consistently happened when expectations were raised and when I had to kill some part of my flesh to learn the lesson of submission- such as submitting to go to a restaurant I didn’t really want to go to, and then finding out it got closed down when we got there.

That day seemed perfect. You had planned the perfect date without saying the dreaded “D” word. It was spontaneous- you had suggested a dinner and movie on a weekday evening to watch a movie you knew I would like, you booked tickets, you made a detour to pick me up from work, bought me dinner and even had time to buy me my favorite sort of popcorn from Garrett’s (the glorious mix of cheesy and caramel) without me knowing. It didn’t even matter to me anymore that the florist that you had visited had its shutters closed when you had gone there. If that was the boo-boo or jinx, then surely we were on our way on our first great date.

You were stoked. I could tell. “You sure today ain’t gonna be jinxed again?” I said. “No!” You replied fervently, as if the passion in your voice would cast out the demon that threatened to sabotage yet another one of your carefully planned efforts.  This time you had nailed everything down, we collected tickets and I, like a little girl, held your hand and was absolutely excited. Hand in hand we walked to the cinema and were about to walk into the dark hall when a young girl looked at us and said, “I’m sorry sir. Your ticket has the wrong timing. It’s 730pm now. Your movie ticket is for the show at 10pm.”

Your countenance fell immediately. Crestfallen, you said, “I’m sorry. You have every right to be angry. I’m sorry.”

I didn’t know whether to laugh or cry. Having had to rush through dinner to make the show at 730pm and having to work early the next day made the situation worse than it should have been. Memories of all the times of dates gone wrong with uncanny coincidence flashed back, and suddenly the surge of overwhelming disappointment became like a volcano seething to erupt.

Why can’t I trust you. What’s so hard about getting this formula right. Why is it so hard to just go out. I was tired. I wanted to go home that evening but decided to be spontaneous with you. I was looking forward so much to popcorn and a movie. I was hungry. I felt cheated. Again. A plateful of spiteful words threatened to release themselves like arrows from a bow. But after a cold fifteen minutes trying to marshall control over my unreined emotions, sense came back to me.

This wasn’t about me.

For all the books I had read about marriage and relationships, I realize, that none of it matters if you don’t put any of it into good use. The fact is, this wasn’t about me, it was about us. And the fact that so many uncanny incidents had happened each time we were on a “date”, made me realize that God was trying to get to me a lesson I needed to but had not fully learnt yet.

It was the lesson of putting another above oneself. All that self-righteous anger billowed in clouds of angry smoke because of disappointment and failure to meet expectations. And the root of all these emotions really was self-centredness.

From a different perspective, was receiving flowers on certain occasions really that important? Was eating at a foodcourt or simple café not enough after a day of hard work? Did I really need to have money spent on me to feel pampered?

The fairytale happily-ever-after really does not depend on these things. It depends on a consistent day-to-day basis of small acts of love, gratitude and appreciation; it depends on the deliberate efforts to dwell on simple moments, and not expensive memories in fancy places; it depends on the genuinity of every act of concern and love. Why did I care about flowers, or restaurants or the timing of a movie ticket chosen wrongly due to genuine human error when you had given up the comforts of Canada and your three-storey home there to live in a rented one-room flat here with a portion of $12 per day for food? You have loved me in every way you know possible. I know no one else who waits at the hospital lobby nearly every day faithfully to pick up his loved one, I know no one else who sneaks love notes into his loved one’s day every day, I know no one else who sacrifices sleep, and personal needs to bring me more comfort. You had done and always do everything in your best capacity to love a broken person, especially when I am unloveable.

I wanted to go home. I wanted to start a cold war and throw a tantrum and go home and say we were jinxed for life. But I saw, that the only way to reverse the curse was really to realize, that nothing material could ever thwart the relationship between us. Marriage and relationships will never cease to be under siege by the flaming darts of discouragement, misunderstanding and disappointment. But it is our choice to respond in hope and our untiring trust to believe the best in the other person that makes a momentary relationship eternal, and a starcrossed friendship, divine.

I learned, that every opportunity to be upset, be it an unexpected outcome or stresses of wedding preparation, is also an opportunity to die to one’s flesh instead of simply reacting selfishly, an opportunity to forgive instead of keeping record of wrongs, an opportunity to encourage, to appreciate, to show respect.

Every day, we are called to lay something down to capture an opportunity to love.

So I remembered the countless times you waited for me, the many surprises you planned, the many times you had forgiven me and determined to love me in spite of my flaws and foibles and failings, and the many sacrifices you make for me every day, and decided that two hours really wasn’t worth being upset over, not after you had thoughtfully and purposefully decided to take me out. We used the spare time to plan our wedding programme while munching on the best popcorn ever, we watched the movie, and you sent me home in a taxi at midnight, with me falling comatose into your arms which are never too tired to hold, or support or hug me. Because of love, it became one of our most memorable dates ever.

Love, triumphs over and breaks any curse.

 “Love is patient, love is kind.

It does not envy, it does not boast, it is not proud.

It does not dishonor others, it is not self-seeking, it is not easily angered, it keeps no record of wrongs.

Love does not delight in evilbut rejoices with the truth.

It always protects, always trusts, always hopes, always perseveres.^”

–        1 Cor 13:4-6