*This post was written on the plane back from Florida.
“…as His divine power has given to us ALL things that pertain to life and godliness,
through the knowledge of Him who called us by glory and virtue,
by which have been given to us exceedingly great and precious promises,
that through these you may be partakers of the divine nature,
having escaped the corruption that is in the world through lust.”
-2 Peter 1:3-4
Which good father would ever withhold what he has promised from his child? Perhaps, most of us find it hard to believe, that we have been everything we need in this life and blessed with promises which exceed our imagination. Perhaps, most of us find it hard to believe, that we have, in a way, been given all we ever needed and desired.
I still remember the disappointment we felt that day, and the weeks and months following. After our whirlwind romance, the disappointment was amplified a million times over. After those piercing words which my dad said to him, he thought it was the end. Utterly crushed, he thought my request for a week of silence and prayer meant it was all over.
Anguish, loss and confusion followed in the days, weeks and months after. There was tension at home and between the both of us.
Why God? After the great miracle you had done and meticulous orchestration to bring us 10’000 miles to each other, why were the doors shut on us, now? We both knew, that without our parents’ consent for marriage this year, we would just have to wait.
But what a tortuous wait it would be. Unwarranted comments from others that it was “no big deal” to wait seared our hearts in a time such as this. It wasn’t so much that I could not wait as much as I didn’t agree with the reasons for waiting- waiting to “look around”, waiting to earn more money, waiting for him to get a commercial job with better pay- I admired the fact that he had given up so much of his life back in Canada to serve God and the marginalised in Asia. To switch jobs because of pressure from my family didn’t make sense to me. Some thought it was a “fair exchange” to win my parents’ approval. I would have none of it. He was doing what we believe God had called him to do, and it was not to be compromised.
We both knew God had spoken to us about our future together- but now, it seemed as if He had witheld His promise, if only for a while. My parents were immovable- you should wait and see if there might be anyone else. How are you two going to cope financially? Why doesn’t he get a commercial job instead of being a missionary? Who is going to pay for his lifelong liver medication? What of something happens to his health again? Why don’t you find someone else with a “lower risk”?
But marriage… is a big Risk in the first place. Who can predict who will end up with illness or an accident? Do we marry based on calculated prediction? Do we marry based on measured liability? I would rather marry a good man with a higher risk of illness than a man I didn’t admire half as much and risk his infidelity.
Questions, questions. Every day these questions haunted me like relentless ghosts. Worse, after my mentors at church said they wanted to help by speaking to my parents, my folks seemed surer that this was all a big mistake. I felt hurt and betrayed. By them, and by God.
It was nobody’s fault, really.
Nonetheless, in the midst of the confusion, we prayed. Even when we didn’t see how things would turn out. After the 6-session marriage preparation course which culminated in an intense 3-day 2-night retreat, we decided to fast and pray committedly for 21 days. For 21 days, we would fast from specific things we enjoyed eating and doing, focusing our intents and thoughts on seeking God in this matter.
Extreme? Perhaps. Were we twisting His arm? No. Because I learnt, that God has already given to us everything good, and prayer is merely the way we come closer to Him in conversation, friendship and communion. Though there were some who supported us in prayer and believed in God for our breakthrough, many older people advised us just to wait, to consider him changing jobs, or advised me to mill around and see if someone better came along.
I would not have any of it. God had promised, and to His promises we must lay claim, and this sometimes takes prayer, and a time of soul-searching.
One day, I plucked up the courage to speak to my father. I was courteous and sensitive and expressed my gratitude to his love. Then, one by one, I addressed his concerns and anxieties: We would not be rich but we would get through, I fell in love with him precisely because he had given up his financial wealth, I said we would trust God for his health and that it wasn’t fair to mark him down for something he wasn’t responsible for. He had done an Iron man, and was doing everything within his control to be strong and healthy.
A week later, I had another round of talk with my dad. I stood my ground in stoic firmness, neither showing anger nor frustration, but merely defending my stand, standing my ground on what we felt God had called us to do. And not being able to afford a condominium with a pool was not a reason for our staying apart. I had told God, we would rather a simple affair than postponing the date to have a grand wedding.
A week or so after our prayer and fast began, our breakthrough came.
“So can you ask mum about choosing a date?” he asked.
After an entire season of seeming silence from God, light appeared. And even though it was at exceedingly late notice (they usually require at least a year’s advance booking), our church was available on the date we had chosen this year, and more importantly, even our senior pastor who is often overseas was available. Cliff’s parents were looking to visit at precisely that time anyway, and my department did not allow me any other time to take leave. Door after door opened. My parents took a 180-degree turn, with my mum showing me her family heirloom jewellery and offering them to us as wedding gifts and my dad helping us with a place to stay. All this happened within a few days. It blew our minds.
After the elation and excitement though, a more sobering thought entered my mind. With us committing our lives to missions, where was the role for buying a gown and holding a wedding? It was expensive. And while there were less costly options, I simply didn’t believe in spending frivolous money on dresses and makeup and a thousand other things. I thought of a minimalist wedding, how I wouldn’t need a gown or a banquet or photography. One question I continually ask myself is not how much I spend compared to the market prices out there, but rather, converting my own money that I might spend on the gown into a gift for child sponsorship etc. Given the choice, would I give up that money for a cause greater than myself?
It was heartwrenching, even if in a childish sort of way.
After all, we seem to rationalise spending on ourselves far more easily than spending money on real emergencies that exist but choose not to see. People said it was possible to have a simple wedding- but in my head, nothing justified the spending. What was deemed simple to one was extravangant to another, and yet, frugal or too unseemly to yet another. It reminded me a lot about my journey in buying my bike– God said no to spending on it, and yet, returned to me a hundred-fold what I had given up by showing me His generosity through His economy.
God’s economy defies the laws of exchange, investment and returns.
Yes, we could go simple-I could use a simple knee-length white dress I already have. Yes, we could be minimalist-let’s go casual. We could borrow, rely on DIY, go against the current and ignore the thousand and one attractive packages out there which promised a fairytale wedding and happily ever after. Yet, after all that was said, in my quiet moments, the little girl inside of me longed for the excitement and anticipation of the big day. She dreams of billowing white gowns and endless trains of white silk, of pews dripping with flowers and helium balloons floating away into the sky, of crimson evening gowns and a banquet filled with food, fun and fellowship. As silly as it sounds, she dreams of having everything that darned commercialised package offers- that bridal car, a pre-wedding and wedding day photographer, a videographer for the day, having her make-up done and being treated like a princess for a 24 hours, a dinner where she can gather all her family and friends whom she’s not seen since her hundred-hour work week starteda year ago, and a banquet where she can invite the poor and marginalised for a good meal. She dreams of releasing her third picture book entitled “i love you” that day, to raise awareness about the importance of strong marriages and perhaps even fundraise for hurting women and children. She dreams of having a real celebration, with no holding back, but she knows it will be close to impossible without spending what seems like a bomb.
I say close to impossible, because I forget, that God runs on an economy entirely different from ours. In our world, resources are finite, money is budgeted and things run out. God, however, owns everything and multiplies. I remember how without any heavy-lifting on my part, more than $110’000 was raised through my first book Kitesong; I remember how, instead of scrimping and saving for the road bike I wanted for competing in triathlons, God told me to give the money my dad had given me or the bike away to a little deaf girl who needed it for a cochlear operation, and through unexpected means, gave another bike to me, superior to one I could ever have imagined for myself; I remember how worried Cliff and I were about housing (we both aren’t local and hence can’t buy government housing) and our parents, initially hardheartedly pressurising him to find a better job, offered to rent us another apartment unit they had for half the price. Last week, someone I’d never met offered to lend me her old wedding gown-though it was not what I had in mind, it was an encouragement nonetheless. A friend’s friend, touched by the story of Cliff and I, offered to film our wedding.
It reminded me, that God already knows what we need and merely requires to come into that relationship with Him to claim what He has already given to us.
God, you orchestrated a divine conspiracy to land the two of us where we are now, in each other’s lives. It took nothing short of a miracle to bridge the gap of ten thousand miles, and then soften my parents’ hostility towards him. Does the fairytale end here, with a scramble to grab at the cheapest deals?
Today, I was reminded of Faith. Faith that I had years ago to dare to dream, and to dream big. Faith to dare to dream of a grand wedding without forking out a single cent from the poor, faith to dare to believe that God would not disappoint.
I tread on dangerous ground to say that He would give us everything we ask for. But I do believe, that He is a good Father.
This journey is making me realise, how being in a social circle of have-it-alls can lead one to covet-most of my colleagues marry each other and have extravagant weddings. But I am learning, that the decision to follow God in missions involves certain decisions, and this is part of the “cost” we pay for an invisible glory we will see later on. We need to let go of our desires. Yet, we also need to have faith that God will not disappoint, that He would blow our minds only if we allow Him to, that He would provide everything- gown, car, tresses, flowers, ribbons, people, food, balloons, videographer, photographer… and more.
A part of me wants to beat myself up and say all this is immaterial. There are bigger things to dream about and more pressing crises in the world at hand. But I also know, that God has a place for celebration, and when He rejoices, and blesses, it goes Big.
So I’m not sure if I am to let go and think small, or let go and dream big, trusting that God has resources I can only dream of. All I know is that He is a good father who has promised us everything he has already given us. Whatever we need in this life, has already been given and promised to us, but requires an activation of faith on our part to lay a claim on it. And when we do partake of that crazy faith, we become partakers of the divine. It still boggles my mind. And I am afraid, yet tempted to believe in the latter, that God performs miracles and surprises us when we least expect it.
And I find myself whispering to myself what I tell other people so often:
Let go of yourself. Let God blow your mind. Dream big.
“…as His divine power has given to us ALL things that pertain to life and godliness,
through the knowledge of Him who called us by glory and virtue,
by which have been given to us exceedingly great and precious promises,
that through these you may be partakers of the divine nature,
having escaped the corruption that is in the world through lust.”
-2 Peter 1:3-4