Provision ahead.

 When she fell to the ground, it was as if all her strength had left her. Broken branches and debri covered her body and crushed her chest- it was hard to breathe. She looked up- what had happened? Billowy, snow-white clouds sailed innocently above her, was there a hole in one of them? Throbbing, her head felt like it was going to explode. The sky, spinning above her, looked as though it might fall on her. Had she been foolish all this while? Had it all been a dream? But how could it? For when she turned her neck painfully, she saw the white wings on her back.

 What had happened?

 She closed her eyes and lay her head down. To tired to move even, she fell into a deep slumber.

 Yesterday was one of those days.

 So all this while I was riding, sailing freely on a cloud of faith, without a care in the world, until I looked down and realized really, how far from the ground I was. It was like in the bible, when God called out to Peter to walk on water, and he bravely did, until he saw the waves, took his eyes momentarily off the One he trusted and hence started to sink.

 For the first time yesterday, I looked down. And then, started to fall, crashing headlong into the ground as gravity sucked me in.

Faith, I learnt, is gravity-defying.  It defies all the immutable laws of the universe, goes against the grain of logic and pushes against every believable pattern to establish itself as a mini-miracle at every moment. Like a cloud, it establishes itself as an emblem of some sort in the sky, glorifying its Creator.

 All this while, I was unhindered. We were riding on a chariot of faith, cruising through the skies and believing God was with us. Then yesterday, I listened to the dark voices that called out to me from below, looked down, and started tumbling, tumbling… one of my wings broke on the way down, and then there was pitch-black darkness.

 So we’re getting married.

(I see your shocked expression, yes.)

 We heard from God, we have our pastors’ blessings and and so, going against all traditional timelines of getting together, we have decided, to go ahead. After much counsel, thought and prayer, we set it in our hearts to obey God’s call and to move forward, a step at a time. We had been warned, by numerous marriage couple mentors at church, that because of the speed of all that has been happening, we would face criticism, opposition and disdain. They, too, had the same experience: one couple met and married within 5 months, while another did within less than a year after writing long-distance for 2 years.  Both have been happily married for a long time with children and are actively serving the needy now. We even know of another missionary couple who met and got engaged within ten days, and now, after decades of marriage braving the rigors of the mission field, head an international missions organization.

I believe, their certainty was and still is grounded in God. God is their wind, holding up their clouds of faith.

 So all this while, we focused on God’s call, on investing into the emotional, financial and spiritual preparation into the biggest commitment of our lives, being thankful for the encouragement of many mentors who shared with us, that it would not be easy, but it would be possible. Nonetheless, it was disheartening to know that there were many things people had to say. How can you afford it, how can you be so sure, do you know what you’re going into. Your total income is so low, how will you survive, you need to make it on your own.

 We need to make it on our own. I’m not sure if it was the way or timing that it was said, but it suddenly dawned upon me to realize, that finances are a very real aspect of preparing for marriage.

 All this while, this never got into me. After all, isn’t this what I prayed for? To serve alongside a missionary as well and lead a simple life? But above and beyond the romantic notions of serving the poor and living simple, I am beginning to feel the pains of giving up this sanitized, condominium life built in with a domestic helper and all my needs taken of, for an eked-out, carved home somewhere outside, on our own. I now see God’s hand in this all, how He is using marriage to put me through the fire to refine me, to teach me about giving up and living simply. It mirrors what will happen when I give up this life here to live in the mission field: there will be great adjustments and things to let go of.

 But now I hear the voices laughing at me: Have I been naïve?

 Because well, aren’t I the one who believes in love and better-than-fairytale miracles?

 And as the both of us sit down to discuss and draw up financial plans, the forbidding figures loom large. They mock me and tell me we aren’t going to make it on our own, that this was all foolishness from the start, just a giddy tailspin into frivolous naivete instead of child-like faith. I look at friends who have gotten married with their homes taken care of by their parents or who can afford it with a dual income, and feel somewhat lost.

 But isn’t this what preparing ourselves to be missionaries means? It means we will face different obstacles, different forms of opposition and different challenges. It means we have chosen to live differently. It means people may not understand why we would rather rent than buy, why we would rather marry earlier than later, why we would try so hard to live under what looks more like a single income than find a higher paying job in the private sector.

 When God’s people in the past were following Him, he blessed them with daily food from the sky called manna. But at the end of forty years, He commanded them to leave, and promised them a land flowing with milk and honey, if only they would obey, follow Him, and learn to till the land.

 Now is the time to leave. All this while, I have enjoyed manna. Now is the time to work and “make it on our own”, wholly depending on God for His provision and grace. In all those years, God never let His people starve.

Last night, as I ended my shift at the Emergency Department close to midnight, there I found you waiting for me at the hospital lobby again. Feeling completely battered by work, hurt by harsh words from seniors the previous night, and overwhelmed by reality, discouragement suddenly swept my eyes to the ground, and I was overcome with fear, when I saw how high up in the clouds I was after following God for so long. I lost hope, and you could tell. Suddenly, all those people giving us shocked looks at how we could possibly be so certain about marriage in such a short span of time loomed ahead of me and I said, “What if they’re right? What if we can’t make it?” I never felt this way before.

 A house. Living expenses. The wedding itself. Flying back to Canada to visit your home. Would we even be able to afford a wedding dress? And the frustration was all the more compounded by the fact that all these seemed so stupid and small in the light of poverty and slavery and injustice in the world right now. I was struggling with whether or not to go on another mission trip next month and all these worries just piled onto one another.

 And you wiped the tears off my face and replied, “It’s okay, it’s okay. Hey, look how I came here.”

And it was true, because every day of your life now is witness to how God provided and still provides for you on a daily basis. You sold everything. You had so little. You weren’t even sure if you could come. There was so much money to raise. You no longer had a salary. Your old house was huge, and now you live in a small room; Canada was frosty and here can be hot in the darnedest way; you had such a big community back home, and you had so few contacts here. 

But God sent you here anyway, you said. God provided you with a lovely landlady who provides for you in many ways. God provided you with a community here. And then you held my hand and said, God provided you with me.

Somehow it all worked out. 

“It’s okay,” you kept saying. “It’s okay.”

And while every fibre of me wanted to scream and say no it’s not okay because everything is a mess and I don’t see anything ahead that spells hope, I didn’t because I believe you. More than that, I believe in God who will provide for us. You said, that if God has called us together, if God has called us to marry, then shall He not provide for us?

 It made me look back and think of how He provided for me by giving me a roadbike, or all those opportunities to travel for missions. Did He not care about even the smallest of my heart’s desires? In the past month, I even got a random message from a lovely stranger who offered to help me with makeup and hair for my wedding, which really does cost a lot here; in the past month, I had someone  who offered his talent for a photoshoot to us for free; in the past month, I had a  friend who wants to buy all the flowers we need for our wedding.

 Will He not provide? Shall we stand here and be mocked after following His call in obedience?

 

No.

 

Because God is the God of hope, God is the God of faith, but most importantly, God is the God of love.

 

He shall provide.

 

We will fly again.

 

We just got to keep our eyes focused on the things ahead.

 

No looking back now.

“Then Peter got down out of the boat, walked on the water and came toward God.

But when he saw the wind, he was afraid and, beginning to sink, cried out,

“God, save me!”

 Immediately Jesus reached out his hand and caught him.

“You of little faith,” he said, “why did you doubt?”

– Mathew 14: 29-31