I’m surprised at how many people the last post touched. And so I guess that’s why I’ll be writing this one. This may even offend some people, touch a raw nerve in feminists out there, but I’m probably just as headstrong and independent anyways so I won’t mince my words.
I think the reason why, for a woman, it is absolutely essential to wait is simply this: You want to follow and end up in the right place.
Follow? What? You mean lose my independence, ambition and sense of direction after being with someone? You’ve got to be kidding. But that’s not what I mean at all. That was, to be honest, what I feared. Because I learnt, that a good man will help bring out the best in you, challenge you to reach greater heights and push your boundaries, just as you would for him.
“Wives, submit yourselves to your own husbands as you do to God. For the husband is the head of the wife as Christ is the head of the church, his body, of which he is the Savior. Now as the church submits to Christ, so also wives should submit to their husbands in everything.” –Ephesians 5:22-25
Quote this passage, and you’d probably ruffle more than a few feathers. Truth be told, this probably makes it to the top list of controversial passages in the bible. Submit to their husbands in everything? That’s trash, some might say. It’s in-your-face outright woman-bashing, some may argue.
In a self-gratifying, career-driven, post-feminist-era society as ours, Submission sounds like a threat even, to women like us. Yes, like us, because I am headstrong, opinionated and have dreams of my own, too. Submit to their husbands in everything– now that sounds more like a death sentence than wisdom.
But you know what? I am learning, that this is exactly why it is so crucial to wait, so crucial to patiently wait for the right time not to choose a partner for yourself, but to have God choose someone for you. Because God knows what you need most, even in ways you don’t even expect.
It was when we were riding on our roadbikes today on the road when I had another mini spiritual revelation. There we were in the pack of 30 riders, at the crack of dawn, riding along the empty roads, with you riding in front of me on your roadbike. That roadbike- it was what you wanted to sell off as well, together with your other possessions, when you decided to sell everything you had in Canada to come serve as a missionary in Asia. You posted it online and I begged you to “save it for my friend in Singapore” who would give you a good price, if you would take the trouble to pack it here when you came. As soon as you touched down with that gigantic bike box, I said I had bought it, as a contribution to your fundraising support for the missions organization, and I gave it back to you.
Riding is part of how we crossed paths. Riding is how we sail away from the world and connect with God, in a strange kind of way. Riding is where we feel free.
And it wasn’t till we started riding together that you found me out- because for all my “experience” in road-cycling, you found out that I’m a poor signaler and have a fear of riding in front. I don’t react well to unexpected obstacles, and having to constantly look out for potholes, navigate through bad traffic and duck other riders place great stress on me. Yet, when I do get left behind in a fast pack, (they aptly call it being dropped),I am never able to catch up.
So it was a great relief for me to have a friend, you, to ride ahead of me, so I could catch your draft. (In riding, drafting is the equivalent of following the person ahead of you. It is easier to draft someone because it saves the energy of battling the awful headwind.) I enjoyed the ride so much, and I was so thankful that God (not me) provided you with the chance to ride in Singapore, and thankful that we both –just happened- to wake up so early this morning and spontaneously, after a quick text message at 6am, decided to join the riding club for a 6.40am 55-kilometre morning ride.
And then I thought, isn’t this what marriage is like in some way? Girls, I don’t know about you, but I would love to have a man who knows what he wants, where he wants to go and what he needs to do to get there. I would love for a husband who can take the spiritual lead of the home and spearhead the spiritual direction for the family. I never realized I liked all these things until God chose him for me.
You navigated bad traffic, looked out for me, made sure you weren’t too far ahead, yet, always riding at a pace that gave my cardiovascular system a real good jog. Because of that, I could enjoy the ride much more, with great ease and joy. It was then I realized, the spiritual significance of that passage, because being led well truly does nourish and grow a woman in ways unexpected. Because of you, I could really push myself, instead of simply being dropped in the pack.
It takes character to lead, and humility to follow. And that winning combination, is what missionary couples survive on to serve God for decades with love and passion in the gruelling mission field, even in the midst of big adjustments, poverty, illness and the stresses of rural life.
But following is tiring and demeaning and life-sucking if you’re following the wrong person. Drafting a rider you aren’t familiar with is risky business. You end up in the wrong destination, with all your time wasted. Worse, you end up far further from your own destination. But when you follow God, He blesses you with a person who follows Him, so both of you end up in the right place at the right pace. Drafting someone too fast can cause you to pull a muscle; drafting someone too slow can spoil your ride; drafting someone too amateurish could potentially be dangerous. So you really have to be wise about who you follow. Choose wrongly, and you could end up with a smashed up bike by the kerb and a broken clavicle.
I had such a good ride today. And I knew it was because I was following the right person.
Till today, it constantly amazes me to see how initiative and wise you are, how you make decisions with the calmness and rationality of someone far older than me, how you’ve been an incredibly positive influence in my life, in ways I never expected.
Nonetheless, it’s not all fine and dandy for the man just because he’s in front.
“Husbands, love your wives, just as Christ loved the church and gave himself up for her to make her holy, cleansing her by the washing with water through the word, and to present her to himself as a radiant church, without stain or wrinkle or any other blemish, but holy and blameless. In this same way, husbands ought to love their wives as their own bodies. He who loves his wife loves himself. After all, no one ever hated their own body, but they feed and care for their body, just as Christ does the church— for we are members of his body.“For this reason a man will leave his father and mother and be united to his wife, and the two will become one flesh.”” – Ephesians 5:26-32
He has a profound responsibility to God and to his wife to love, protect, honour and cleanse her. And why?
“This is a profound mystery—but I am talking about Christ and the church. However, each one of you also must love his wife as he loves himself, and the wife must respect her husband. “ –Ephesians 5: 32-33
A profound mystery, because the union between husband and wife really is the reflection of the mind-blowing union between God and us. With all our baggages in life, how could we ever be reconciled to God and joined in oneness with Him? Isn’t that reserved for “holy people” only? But no, God designed the union of man and wife to reflect that awesome oneness between us, the wretched people we are, and Him.
Isn’t that awesome?
And I think, that is why it is so important to wait. For God to choose someone for you instead of choosing someone for yourself. Because very simply: You want to follow and end up in the right place.
No matter how painful it could seem, it definitely is worth it. And if even someone like me, with all her quirks and demands and faithlessness in romance can have true love seek her out, I know God loves you enough to bless you with a prince, too.
May this, this and this touch your hearts.
