* Since my Big Bear enthusiastically signed us both up for a marriage preparation course (it’s been a whirlwind of a past month), we’ve been assigned homework to write an at-least- 500-word essay on what the big M-word means to us. This was written on 1 Nov 2011.
On what it is to me.
I won’t deny it. At the age of twenty-four, without ever having been in a relationship before, I don’t think I could even begin to do justice to explain what this word means.
As a little girl, I imagined white weddings and dresses with endless trains, ornate decorations and flawless photographs- but I realize, that was just the wedding. As a young teenager, I imagined giddy spells of love and heights of indulgence with a young stud- but I realize, that was just infatuation. Later, as a young adult, having found God and determined to lay down my life for long-term missions in the field and making it quite plain (in spite of seeing the looks of shock on the faces of potential suitors and seeing them fade into the distance after making my stand unwaveringly clear), I came to the conclusion that…
… marriage might not be for me.
Until Big Bear, I never held hands, never imagined a future with the concept of “together”, never thought it would be possible for me to find someone to walk alongside with forever. Until him, I thought my childhood growing up in a home of discord might have marred me for life. Until him, I’ve never seriously considered marriage before.
In fact, I rejected it.
Waking through the valleys of depression and anorexia previously, I imagined I would find no one who would accept my obvious flaws and unbearable quirks. I imagined I would find no one who would embrace my bitterness and anguish and past. I imagined and prepared myself for a life in the mission field alone.
Though that longing for a soulmate remained.
And I prayed every day for God to prepare me and an unknown him, just in case a concept of Us might be possible.
And because not until 26 days ago, when Big Bear flew ten thousand miles from Canada to be here and my life changed, because not until 17 days ago where my hardened, embittered heart opened up and I saw the hope of Possibility, and because not until 3 days ago where he enthusiastically signed us both up for this intense 1-week marriage preparation course meant for couples serious about marrying in the next one year, I am left with no other choice than to be as humanly candid and painfully honest as I can about this M-word that I know so little about.
This will be a stuttering ramble at best. Here goes.
Marriage, I believe, is a union ordained, planned and blessed by God. It should be, I believe, 100% God-inspired. After all, with the comforts of committed companionship, the beauty of journeying through life together and the joys of serving in ministry together, isn’t it natural to believe something so good can only be from a divine Father who loves us?
But the more grounded aspects of marriage have always sombred me. The idea of submitting to authority, the possibility of slowing down to mother children of my own and the realistic demands of investing time into a relationship and maintaining a home have put hesitancy, fear and anxiety in me. I am tempted to say- these are aspects of life I need to work on, but now, having attended the first 2 sessions of the course, I would say these things which I find so overwhelming are aspects of life I pray God will continue to lead us to as I continue to trust in His plans and love for us.
Because of the series of divinely orchestrated events over the past 2 years which I can only sum up as Crazy and Uncanny, I believe marriage is part of God’s plan for my life. I see it as part of His plans for me to grow spiritually and emotionally, and also as part of the grand adventure in this lifelong journey to serve the poor and marginalized, in and out ofSingapore. Over the past 2 years writing to each other, I have grown a great deal in many ways, and I look forward to a lifelong quest of continually spurring each other on towards this journey in God.
We do have differences- what with him being a missionary relying on financial support from others and myself being a doctor working eighty to a hundred hours a week; what with him being Canadian and myself being distinctively Singaporean; what with him being easygoing, and I, not.
Love is patient, love is kind.
We do have obstacles ahead of us- what with I being bonded to serve as a doctor in public service for the next 5 to 6 years; what with us wondering where to serve and how our lives of further study, children, ministry etc map out ahead of us; what with us wondering how to honour each other with the callings God has given us.
Love does not envy, it does not boast, it is not proud.
We do have conflicts, what with I being the more fussy, difficult and moody one.
It is not rude, it is not self-seeking, it is not easily angered, it keeps no record of wrongs.
We do have baggage, what with us coming from families who don’t believe in God, what with us absorbing lies from our childhood, what with us needing to constantly renew our minds in God’s promises for us.
Love does not delight in evil but rejoices with the truth.
We do have opposers. I think the crazy way we crossed paths and the wild and whirling way this all surreally happened raises a few eyebrows occasionally.
It always protects, always trusts, always hopes, always perseveres.
But I think the both of us are willing to put in our all to seek God in the plan he has for us together, to be a force more effective as a union than apart, and to be parents to orphans, a brother and sister to the homeless and a family to those hurting.
Love never fails.
We had our own ideas of marriage, but I think we’re willing to let God blow them away, for a plan better than the one we can ever think for ourselves.
And now these three remain: faith, hope and love. But the greatest of these is love.
– quotations from 1 Corinthians 13.
Love this. 🙂