“When God calls a man,
He bids him to come and die.”
– Dietrich Bonhoeffer
It’s funny. When we realize how much we can let go, I think we’ll be surprised at how little we really need. It doesn’t sound at all palatable, but when we say yes to God, we mean goodbye to our flesh.
It is often not easy.
Every little girl dreams of her fairytale wedding. From the dashing prince to the crimson carpet, the ivory dress to the fresh flowers, it is almost innate for every girl to desire and long for that day with grand anticipation. I believe, that God put that desire for beauty, love and adventure in every girl’s heart.
What I didn’t dare share with anyone initially, though, was my shame in realizing how much I hurt in realizing how much I had to let go in choosing God, and this life with whom He has chosen for me. I should have known from the day I said yes to God and missions, that the kind of man God had for me would likely be one who had courage and not a car, and more of a ministry than money.
I struggled. I really did.
God, what if we have no money to do nice things? What if I never get taken out to nice places? What if we have a cheap wedding?
Frivolous thoughts, if you truly think about it. But real, nonetheless.
But they fade in the stark reality of knowing, that on another side of the world, making ends meet is a day-to-day struggle.
One day, it hit me like a ton of bricks. That all these questions were the wrong ones to ask in the first place. When God calls a man, He bids him to come and die. That means putting one’s focus on one’s calling in life- serving the poor, comforting the sick and loving the needy, and not one one’s own inward selfish needs.
I struggled. I really did.
Just days after you landed, God gave me a revelation about us at church. All this while, my friends who know about you think you came here for me, and think your missionary job at OMF is peripheral to this love story of medieval grandeur. But that day, after attending a medical fundraising dinner with you after a generous doctor bought us both seats (a hundred dollars per person!), and meeting the special speaker (who turned out to be your direct boss at your missions agency!), I became convinced, that it was no mere coincidence or made-up story that God opened up this opportunity for you to serve in Singapore on your way back to Canada after we finally met.
The main protagonist of this Story was never me. It was, is and always will be God. I realized then, that I was the peripheral subject, and instead of feeling slighted, it dawned upon me the great privilege I had to be a part of God’s story and purpose for your life.
So nine days after we met again, I decided. I decided it was you, and was as certain as you back then about us even though you hadn’t met me yet.
I am convinced, that we each have a role to play in each other’s lives, in God’s grand plan of things.
Since then, I no longer long for Starbucks like I used to. Or eating in nice places. Or flowers, or gifts or expensive things. You have given me more than money can buy, and I realize, that with God, I need never to suffer lack.
I don’t know what happened that day, but it was like a switch went on in my head and everything was lit clearly for me to see. I had no resentment about “downgrading”, since most of my friends get together with other doctors/lawyers etc of higher social status, no bitterness about needing to let go, no nostalgia for what could be. Because when we are together, I feel closer to God and His plan for us to serve the poor together. I knew that the struggle was over when I could face you and myself and say:
I don’t even need a fancy wedding dress.
It is an exorbidant thing.
An extravagant wedding dress. That’s probably the one thing every little girl dreams of being in someday.
With God, I realize, I can let go.
In the light of a greater mission He has called us to, what is an occasion? Do we sometimes forget, that most of the world lives on less than $2 a day.
I don’t want a three-tiered icing cake, or an elaborate banquet. I don’t want money flushed lavishly down the drain in a day. What I want is a simple but large, inclusive gathering, where we both can share about the goodness and miraculous ways of God, where we can soak in gratitude and grace, love and humility. What I want is for us to use the opportunity to raise awareness about this cause so deeply embedded in our hearts- this cause to serve the poor. What I want is to give out copies of my third book entitled “I love you” that day (the final draft is still with my publisher), which talks about us needing to say those three words more.
And I thank God for you that you share my heart for this, amongst many other things, because you understand, that neither you nor me, but God is in the centre of this elaborate Story.
And with that, we can say no to the world. No, to its expectations and demands and lavishness.
And yes to simplicity. Yes to a simple white dress, because purity is in the heart and not an outward piece of designer’s clothing. Yes to a simple ring, because the worth of a woman lies in her being and not in a diamond. Yes to a gentle and humble man, because he will give you above and beyond what money can buy. I really believe, he will lay his life for you.
So here goes. Here goes saying yes to God, and no to self. Because life is infinitely sweeter that way.
I would not have it any other way.
