Vindicated.

I faltered.

I faltered because I was living in fear and sadness every day and pressed down under the constant beatings of harsh words, an authoritarian culture and a bad experience I would never forget.

But did you know, that even when we falter, God never does? And it is precisely when we falter, that God very often chooses to show up.

We falter. But God never does.

After the traumatic scolding incident some time back, going to work has been difficult, to say the least. Reporting to work at 6.15am daily before the sun rises, returning home at 9pm after the sun sets, trying hard to fit some semblance of lunch into one’s busy schedule, going on 32-hour non-stop shifts once to twice a week, and trying to lay low and understand the military culture of a new workplace all began to take its toll on me. I just finished a 32-hour call yesterday, with 2 patients collapsing at 2am and 4am in the morning on me. I’ve barely recovered from this call and another 32-34 hour call awaits me day after tomorrow. I reach home daily, nearly broken.

It’s not that I can’t take the hard work. But working so hard, with nary a word of encouragement from one’s seniors, and the constant harshness of words, erodes even the toughest of spirits.

That day after that awful incident, broken, I asked God for help. I’m the only junior in the team handling more than twenty patients, while some of my colleagues only have five to ten to look after; I was being stretched to the very max and yet, still being shouted at, put down, told off for the slightest things.

“I know, Jia,” said a friend, “I can’t take it either. But we have one another. Tomorrow’s a new day, it’s going to be okay.”

Without my colleagues who have been giving me incredible support, I know I would have been crushed a long time ago.

That night after feeling quite maligned, put down and broken, I read Psalm 43:

“Vindicate me, O God,

and plead my cause against an ungodly nation… 

… Why must I go about mourning,

oppressed by the enemy?”

But still, I faltered. After that traumatic incident, I sent off a referral letter out of fear to a General Medicine physician regarding a patient’s medical care. I was in tears every day, whenever I had a quiet moment by myself to think about things.

I faltered, but God doesn’t. And remember, God cares so intently about justice that He would never allow those He loves to suffer injustice.

But when would I be vindicated?

A few days later, after many tears, a friend shared this with me:

So do not fear, for I am with you;
   do not be dismayed, for I am your God.
I will strengthen you and help you;
   I will uphold you with my righteous right hand.

– Isaiah 41:10

And I read further:

  “All who rage against you
   will surely be ashamed and disgraced;
those who oppose you
   will be as nothing and perish.
Though you search for your enemies,
   you will not find them.
Those who wage war against you
   will be as nothing at all. 

 For I am God
   who takes hold of your right hand
and says to you, Do not fear;
   I will help you.”

But it was too late. I felt like I had betrayed myself by sending off a referral letter which I felt wasn’t necessary, and I had done so out of fear. Many of my colleagues and I know we tread on thin ice, giving me a glimpse of what it must feel like to be the most junior member of any results-driven organisation. A terrible conflict arises within us: we want to be good doctors, and yet, we fear questioning authority and being slapped on the wrist. A day ago, I sent off an unnecessary referral out of plain fear of being caught in a tornado again.

That afternoon, I received a phonecall. It was the doctor who had received the referral letter. He was kind, benign-sounding and very patient, “May I ask exactly what you wanted me to look into? It’s also okay if you wish to retract the referral.”

I was about to say yes, we would like to retract the referral (since that morning, the team also decided that there really wasn’t much to refer for) when that particular senior who had given me the experience I would never forget gestured for my phone. I shrank, but he grew in size like a red balloon. Instead of agreeing to retract the letter, his first sentence was antagonistic and incendiary. What followed soon after was a shouting match, unpleasantries and him demanding that the referral had a purpose, even though it had become clear to all parties that there was none. An expletive was shot out and the phonecall ended.

I was mortified.

It was then that I realized how different working life is. How different things are when one’s ideals and hopes and dreams are put out into the real world. Strong dreams, must take great batterings.

Knowing how unfairly the senior doctor over the phone had been treated, and feeling terrible about what had ensued, I took the trouble to call him back later, to explain how sorry I was for how things turned out- I knew he had been unfairly treated. I understood how there was little reason for the referral, but had sent it out of fear because of what had happened a few days ago regarding the other referral. Since that day, there has not been a single tearless day at work. There have been too many patients, too little time, too little of me to go around and feeling victimized while still trying to placate angry bosses who demand one to be in two places at once.

He was kind, full of empathy, but also chagrined at the unprofessionalism displayed by that senior, who was in fact, far more junior than he. It became clear, by the end of the telephone conversation, that he was going to take action against him. He was profoundly offeneded, and there was no stopping him.

It was then that the bible verse I had read a day ago became alive to me:

 “All who rage against you
   will surely be ashamed and disgraced;
those who oppose you
   will be as nothing and perish.

 For I am  your God
   who takes hold of your right hand
and says to you, Do not fear;
   I will help you.

-Isaiah 41:11-13

When we falter, God never does. And where injustice is, God’s justice will be served. Justice, will be meted out for those He loves.

I never needed to take action.  I never needed to lift a finger to vindicate myself.

The thing is, God desires justice so much for the ones He loves that He would never allow His loved ones to be put to shame. That was what I learnt through this experience.

It’s been a tough 3 weeks, and I cry myself to sleep nearly every night with the pain of this hostile environment and physical, mental and emotional weariness. But the morning comes, and help always comes when I need it the most.

Thank you for praying for me.

*Prayer request: Strength and JOY in this parched land.