Human.

I don’t think I’ve ever so soberly considered the concept of sin.

Does a harsh act that scars a child for life and turns him into a serial rapist constitute a moral wrong. Does apathy towards doing what is right such as giving up our basic luxuries for the basic needs of the poor constitute injustice. Does making a genuine mistake as a doctor constitute murder.

I’ve been thinking.

I went straight up to my Head of Department and told him what had happened while I was on-call that night.

“There is no excuse, sir. I made a mistake. And I think I killed her because of it.”

I don’t know how I managed to say those words but I did.

The critically low level of ions. The failure to replace them. The massive heart attack. The confession. And then the moment of truth.

To be honest, I didn’t care if this would cost me some irreversible repercussion to my career advancement. I didn’t care if I might be seen differently or found out. I just wanted to know, if it was true that this grievous error was the cause of a death, and I wanted to bear the consequences for it.

“Thank you for telling me. From all my years of experience and knowledge and from what you told me, I don’t think that this was what killed the patient. It’s not medically logical or possible. Did she have cardiovascular risk factors?”

“Yes. A previous heart attack. Diabetes. High cholesterol. Hypertension.”

“So you see, it was most likely a separate event altogether.”

It was a big load off my chest- to be relieved of this terrible guilt.

“But I still made a mistake. It was not excusable.”

“Yes, it is true that it was a mistake. But there is a big picture to remember. There is a lesson to learn in this. And that is: we all are all human.”

We are all human. Why do I forget, that physicians, too, are human beings. We are human beings that try to save and heal and treat and medicate… but there are times, there are many times in fact, that we will fall short and fail. We are all human. Human. Not God.

Why do I forget, that every doctor who has been a physician long enough will have a “I think I killed a patient” story to tell, not because they were malicious or always callous or always half-drunk… but simply because they are human, with foibles and failings. Just because we have healed and can heal people, it does not mean we are demi-gods, worthy to have our feet kissed. It only means we were blessed in those opportunities, to be given a chance to bless more than cause harm. It only means we tried our best and fortunately, it was enough in that circumstance. It only means, we were fortunate.

I learnt today, that I need to improve. I also learnt, that doctors are human beings, too.

“We have all made mistakes on the job. And it happens more so in our early days. It builds experience in us to make us better doctors. That is the truth.”

At hospital today, Mdm Y’s son took the day off after I gave him a ring to give him an update of his mother’s imminent discharge just so he could come to hospital in person to thank me personally.

“She tells me so much about you, doctor. Thank you so so much for looking after her. She tells me you treat her so well.”

At hospital today, Mr T’s brother, who had had a legendary reputation for being difficult and harsh to doctors, came up to thank me specially today- he has never breathed a harsh word to me before.

At hospital today, Mr. K’s sons thanked me with gratitude for all the scopes and tests and biopsies I had had to arrange for him these last few days.

I realize, what’s important, is to claim God’s forgiveness after genuine repentence, move on, and put the incident behind me- so that I may continue to serve the people around me with care and compassion and competence.

It reminded me so starkly of how fallen we are, how, in a way, “unavoidable” sin is in our lives, and how there is no sin too big not to be forgiven by God if it is treated with genuine repentance.
“She had a heart attack. It wasn’t because of what you did or did not do that night.”

I learnt today, that there is no sin too big to be forgiven; I learnt today, how amazing God’s grace is to cover us, even when we fall short; I learnt today, the importance of integrity and admitting to one’s errors, and most of all, how privileged a position we are in to make a difference to people’s lives, in spite of how difficult the working hours and environment may be.

What helps me to lean in ever more deeply into God’s embrace is realizing with greater depth, that truly, we are human beings, too.