– Francis Chan,
While listening to
this video during my run two evenings ago, I just realised how Silly this post was. And how much false truth I’ve been absorbing from the world around me, how much I’ve let myself be conformed to other people’s standards instead of God’s.“Why missions in a third world country? You’re doing a whole lot of good here as a doctor too. I mean, there’re poor people in Singapore too, you know.”
“Why do keep going to developing countries? It’s dangerous for a single girl. Africa is dangerous for a single girl. ”
“Why don’t you go out and pamper yourself?”
You know, it’s not that I don’t enjoy these things. It’s not that I have not been pampering myself. It’s not that I think everyone should be miserly and see how acetic a life we can live.
And it’s not that I don’t desire what my flesh desires. I like pretty things, I like nice places. I love Starbucks. I love getting my toenails done. I love flowers. I love roadbikes and wheels and cars. I’m an artist- I like Pretty and Perfect things. I would love to spend a hundred dollars on the next triathlon race.
But when I watched that video, I suddenly remembered what I’ve been called to, a world larger than this academic bubble called medicine, a world wider than this petty fishtank of poor self-worth and insecurity, and I realise just how unimportant these things are in light of WHAT’S OUT THERE.
There is a different world out there, and we have made ourselves blind and deaf to it.
“Learn to desire God so much that everything counts as garbage.
-Francis Chan
It’s just like God to pull this on me-the day after I wrote this Silly post about the conflict between MY desires and the sacrifice to missions, and how I liked my Starbucks and my right to a comfortable life, God just had to tease me and show me how BIG He actually is, how He can actually provide more than we could think or imagine, how He is so generous and infinite that He doesn’t need our miserly sacrifices which, in the light of His inifinity, could count for pittance. Because the next day, a friend (who had no inkling about the post I had written), had received a wad of FREE Starbucks vouchers and offered to share them with me for my green tea soy latte fix.
And the funny thing was, I said, “No, thank you.” At that moment, I just didn’t crave it anymore.
Last couple of days I’ve just been experiencing God in different ways and it’s funny how
it takes away the cravings of all those other things.
Gosh, why did i desire that, that, that, that.
I just wonder how I even desired all those things.”
And I guess, when I watched the video, it reminded me of you. Of why we connected in the first place, of why we continue to connect. And why we continue to believe (I guess you still believe more than I do at this stage) that there could be a Possibility. Because even though we’re far away, we have similar goals and passions and angers burning for the same things. We feel the same shade of loneliness because people think we are crazy.
When in fact, as what Francis Chan says, maybe it’s everyone else who is.
Maybe it’s just everyone else. How can we know about these things and live our lives the way we do.
Out of all the friends who know me, there are none who say I am not intense. You, on the other hand, don’t think I am intense at all. And perhaps, it’s just because, you are, too.
You’ll never regret it.”
-Francis Chan
I guess, I’m just afraid. All my life, I’ve been this free-spirited being doing what I like when I like, and I am gripped with fear and repulsion when I see people just zone out from the world around them to focus on each other. I am afraid of losing this child-like, naive craziness because people have been telling me so many things which I now realize, are not from God at all, even if these people are more experienced and wiser and have great faith. Because, well, everyone’s advice is shaped by their own experiences. But what has God got to say to each of us?
I have been telling you that you are Crazy to want to come here to Asia to serve as a missionary. When maybe, it’s what God has called you to. And if that really is the case, then shouldn’t I be more encouraging? Why do I tell you otherwise, why do I keep telling you to you know, relax- it’s because I’m afraid of what could happen, I don’t trust God, I don’t trust men in general, and I don’t have enough faith- is that it?
You know, I’m usually the one who scares people with my dreams and ideas. When people take me out and I know they have Intentions (which I don’t intend to reciprocate), I wait for the usual question of what I see myself doing in the next five to ten years. I take the opportunity to tell them about my dreams about orphanages and medicine and missions in developing countries and watch their face melt. It’s quite funny, actually heh- I don’t think they’re aware of it. I usually enjoy the rest of the dinner, knowing it’ll be the last one, and amuse myself with how I have the uncanny ability to do this every time.
And that usually is sufficient for them to stop staying in touch for those reasons. But you, you with your big dreams and visioneering according to God’s call upon your life and radical faith and exercise of faith into action… scares me.
Courage is in the word Encourage.
People follow God ONLY IF.
My mind is just so blown by the video. A long run to the beach yesterday morning provided little relief.
After the first round of the exams yesterday, most of us sat together to discuss the patients we had got for our exams. I saw an outburst when someone, in his stress of not performing as well as he had liked, shouted out, “Stop talking to me, I don’t want to talk about it! I just want to concentrate on the next exam, okay?!”
He was usually a calm and softspoken man. And that made me realize, how much emphasis we place on things which give us security, how much we fail to see beyond our world of exams and academia and prospects.
People are dying and starving and being radiated by nuclear waves and here I am whining about my life.
What am I doing with my life.
What is triathlon. What is medicine. What is a relationship.
What do all these short-term mission trips mean?
On my way home from a friend’s house studying yesterday, I met Grandpa Zhou. He shared a song with me which another passer-by had given to him, a young lady who plays the guitar and lets him sing along with her sometimes. It was a very melancholic song. Grandpa Zhou then said he would pray for you- for your health (because your ALP blood levels are still high and that scares me sometimes), for your missionary placement post here, for your family’s support and fundraising. For now, everything is uncertain.
Health, support from church, family support, finances
He said he would pray for you because you were a gentleman about being honest about your blood results that weren’t good.
I thought about that Crazy Faith that Francis Chan talked about, which he himself had exercised by moving his entire family out of America when his ministry became “too successful”. What you’ve been doing is a reflection of that faith, even though for now, everything is uncertain.
It was then that I wondered, for all my talk, if I could ever do the same. What if I had to give up surgery, my further studies, my community, my comfort, my rights to a safe and comfortable life. What rights?
I fly to Africa in less than 5 days.
God, please speak to me, okay?
If you’ve 4 minutes, you’ve got to watch this other video.
Dear Wai Jia, I’m just a stranger who saw your video with Cliff on YT and was driven to your blog from there. All I can say is your blog is a huge inspiration, YOU are a huge inspiration, and a lot of what you wrote spurs me on (and makes cry a lot too). 😀 Thank you for sharing your story so openly, it as blessed me so much, as a single lady who loves God and sometimes feel that I dream dreams that are too big for my boots.
-SH