Completion.

A few hours ago, my finals, also known as the MBBS (Bachelors of Medicine, Bachelors of Surgery) finally ended.

Just when they ended, we saw a MASSIVE rainbow in the sky. It was there, just for us. A rainbow, is God’s promise.

And it meant so, so much to me, just to know it was there. God put it up as a banner to remind us, that whatever good work He started in us, He would see through till the very end.

3 harrowing weeks, 10 mind and butt-numbing days and about 15 nerve-wracking examinable components later, it’s hard to believe, that it’s finally over.

M.B.B.S. This four-letter word, is finally over.

I can’t even begin to describe how I felt when I walked out of the hospital today. Relief, gratitude, amazement, guilt, regret and an overwhelming sense of nostalgia welled up within me all at once like a steam of fire.

Relief, relief that this harrowing series of battles had finally come to an end (really? Has it really ended?); Gratitude, for the prayers of many of you which have encouraged and supported me through this trial and to God, for His promise to see us through till the very end; Amazement, at how well things turned out in spite of my 2-year illness during medical school and the time-consuming projects and interviews and life-changing events which cropped out all within a month leading to the exams; Guilt, for always feeling that my patients deserve more (it is perhaps, a good sort of guilt if there ever were such a thing); Regret, that I didn’t tell the examiners more!); and finally, nostalgia.

Nostalgia. Today is the last day I will be a medical student, or so I believe.

The MBBS is every medical student’s greatest fear. One failure, means 6 months more worth of torture before the next re-examinations. While almost 99% of us pass the written component of the examinations, almost 10% of students each year fail the practical component, where we are assessed under eagle-eyed examiners under a crazy-tight time frame on our interactions with real-life patients.

It is the scariest component, because of how unpredictable things can turn out to be: Examiners can be mean or compassionate, patients can have obvious or devilishly subtle signs and symptoms, and we can be asked about anything about any topic under the sun.

This weekend, the last two days of the examinations (yes, they were held on Saturday and Sunday!), has been, by far, the toughest component of this whole series of examinations. And I want to say how thankful I am, for the joy God put in my heart during the past three weeks, and, most of all, today. This is probably, by far, the biggest examination I’ve taken in my life. No examination has been more gruelling or thorough, to say the least. Yet, I’ve never been more joyous, never felt safer and never felt more at peace about the outcome and the future, even though there is so much at stake.

So many precious lessons were learnt along the way, and I just want to say thank you, to you, for being a part of my journey.

4 years ago, when I was ill, I never would have dreamt I would be taking the M.B.B.S this way. I was uptight and depressed and constantly worrying. Yet, in the past 5 years, I learnt, that it was precisely those hardships and dark days and nights which broke my self-sufficiency enough for me to surrender and allow God to transform my life.

I used to be so proud. In the past 5 years, however, medical school has truly, truly humbled me. There is just so much to learn. So much to be humbled by.

I used to be so self-sufficient. I never saw the need to study with other people, and hence often isolated myself. Over the past 5 years, as I learnt to let go, I realized just how much joy and productivity and fruitfulness could be found in connecting with others, studying in groups, and how much fun interactive knowledge-exchanges could be.

I used to depend wholly on myself. I used to put so much at stake on my exams. I used to want to be first in everything, hence, sacrificing my relationships with people, my leisure time and cutting corners in other aspects of my life. There was too much to lose or so I thought, and I put the weight of the world upon myself to do my best. My best was not enough. I would push and push myself, to the point where it became terribly unhealthy.

This time, things were different. Things were significantly different.

In the past 5 years, as God used the illness to break my self-sufficiency, I learnt, that truly, my life belongs to Someone greater than me, and someone who loves me more than I could ever think or imagine. How can I ever surrender my life and my future to a Concept I’m not even sure exists? you may ask. Well, that’s what Faith is. “Faith is being sure of what you hope for and certain of what you do not see. “- Hebrews 11:1

What makes one think a rainbow is really there? It’s just light passing through vapour, after all- an illusion at best. How can something so ethereal and transient represent a Promise, something so definite and permanent? There is a divine factor.

And I think it’s called Faith.

The M.B.B.S was a significant milestone for me, because it taught me so many lessons. That more than what we can do, God is more interested in the person we become. I realized, that all those hardships of the illness put in my way, was God’s way of refining and defining the kind of doctor I become.

Today, I am more broken before God and dependent and in need of Him, and yet also, stronger, humbler and secure. I learnt, that when we humble ourselves, let go, and surrender the outcome to God, this activates a powerful spirit-force called Trust, and brings peace, joy and victory with it.

I never understood this. In the past, God was just this moral amorphous being in my life which was “sorta-good to have”. Today, I see that He is a Real friend, a father and a lover, who cares intimately and deeply about each one of us. And because of that, we can trust Him. 2 months before the exam, so much drama happened- I should have just died of a massive heart attack.

During the most intense period of exam preparations, I was pressed to submit a 5000-word essay for a national award nomination, my nomination got lost and I had spent hours both preparing for and retrieving it, there was the award ceremony to attend when I did win, a slew of interviews, not to mention a series of long-drawn birthday celebrations, a book launch, more interviews to come and then, a special Suitor appearing in my life. THIS WAS WAY TOO MUCH FOR ME TO TAKE.

While other people were mugging away at home, here I was being engaged in some project, writing emails, sending letters. Even during the exam period, I would be sitting by the train steps talking to Grandpa Zhou. Why? Where did this inexplicable peace come from?

If you know me, you would know I’m not very clever at all. I take a long time to learn concepts. Even then, I forget them often, and have to relearn. What was it about this time that made my old worry-wart self so assured, so joyful and so at peace? Why did I sleep so soundly every night? How did I continue to have the peace to maintain my usual routine of running and swimming? I have never enjoyed medicine so much in my life. I have fallen in love with the subject all over again.

Nonetheless, I will be honest- I was nervous before each exam, but there was also such an assurance within me that I would pass. It was because I held on to that rainbow promise, that what God promises, He will deliver.

Yesterday and today’s examinations, were played like a huge gameshow. Students were lined up outside the clinic rooms, the air fraught with anxiety. A bell would ring, and into the rooms we would go! Each room had 3 examiners, with a real-life patient with real problems, and we would be given just a bare minimum of a few minutes to either take a medical history or examine the patient.

You wouldn’t believe the kind of cases I got yesterday. They were either atypical or rare, and I believe, it was that child-like assurance that I would pass which made me keep my head screwed on and my nerves calm to just get on with the exam, and, even while stifling my shaky voice, to just report my findings confidently and fluently to my beady-eyed examiners.

And today, my 5 hurdles were 3 adult patients whom I had to examine: one who had a heart murmur, one with a difficult-to-hear lung disease, and lastly, a lady with a MASSIVE liver and spleen; and 2 paediatric patients, one of which we had to diagnose a specific brain problem simply by looking at her gait (that was a really tough case!) and another, with a thyroid problem (yay, my pet topic!)

Mitral regurgitation. Pulmonary fibrosis. Hepatosplenomegaly secondary to haemolytic disease. Cerebellar syndrome due to (we still haven’t figured this out!). Graves disease.

One’s mind does strange things when it is stressed. But I’m just so thankful, that God kept my head screwed on, even in the face of nerve-wracking cases. For the toughest cases, I was blessed with kind examiners; and for the easier cases, I was calm enough to talk them through confidently. God, you have passed me, I am just going to go through the motions! I trust You!

And so the day passed. It passed. M.B.B.S came and went. And there, the huge rainbow lay, emblazoned unabashedly across the sky, as if to declare God’s faithfulness, that whatever He started in our lives, He would certainly see to completion.

So as of today, even though the results aren’t out, and nothing is for certain, I will take the risk to declare, that I have passed. Today, is my last day as a medical student.

In my times of greatest uncertainty, God has always used the rainbow to remind me to trust in Him. 3 years ago when I finished the first draft of my 2nd book, God painted a rainbow just minutes after I had finished it; today, on my way to the paediatric clinic for my exams, the glass panel of the bus split the sunlight into a slit of rainbow light onto my study material on my lap, and it was strangely reassuring in its own quiet way; and though I know I’m taking a really big risk saying this, I think I already know which hospital I will be posted to after my graduation, even though it has not been announced yet. (Because one day, I saw a rainbow at that hospital during the time I was praying about this, too. We’ll see.)

Today, I stand in awe of what God has done in my life through this experience, and the wonderful lessons I’ve learnt along the way.

In faith and trust, I’m just going to believe that it has been sealed.

I’m going to be a doctor.