Choosing to lose.

When the interviewer asked me that question that day, I was just completely stunned. “What would you give up in exchange for your life?”

I went on a great deal before the next interviewer eventually asked me, “So would you say, you would give up your life to live with the poor?”

What a question. If I could answer that question all over again, I think I would say, I would give up my life in exchange for bringing the message of hope to the poor, the hurting and the needy.

Days after I returned from Philippines, a close friend chided me in mock anger about my writing about death before I left because it unnerved her a bit. I guess, what I really meant to imply was that, since much of what I do is, to some extent, dangerous, I just don’t want anyone to feel bad about losing me if they ever did, don’t want them to feel bad for letting me pursue missions or travel to developing countries or live my life this way, should I ever lose my life in a freak accident or riot or infectious disease in my journey to medical missions. What I mean to say is that I would gladly, very gladly give up my life in this way, without regrets.

Last Saturday, I went for an interview for a nomination for a national award for service to humanity. To be honest, it was a great struggle for me to go through with it, since I didn’t think what I do was really worthy of recognition and also, since most of the past winners are either hotshot doctors, ministers or famous people. What I’ve done is merely a drop in the ocean. Nonetheless, that question really got me thinking.

Today, on Facebook, an acquaintance sent me a message:

Hi Wai Jia..

This may come as a surprise to you.

About a month ago, I was feeling down and I went to your facebook. I was looking for some encouragement.

When I was browsing through your photos, suddenly, I felt God asking me to ask you a question. If He were to ask you to give up everything, what would you choose to lose first? What is the thing that you will give up first?

I am always encouraged when I talk you or hear your testimonies. I heard that you gave up your bicycle to help others and God provided you with another one…

Thank you for your encouragement.

Warmest Regards,
K

And tears welled up in my eyes because just minutes before reading the message, I had to make another one of those easy yet difficult decisions that killed my flesh. It turned out that all nominees for this award would be invited to a gala dinner regardless of their win, because the whole purpose of it was to celebrate the contributions of each nominee to Singapore to make it a better place. My old man, in his love and generosity, had offered to buy me a table where we could invite our family and friends to join in the joyous occasion because he felt proud of me. It really touched me, because a table would cost $1200.

$1200. That’s the exact amount of money that would sustain the weekly feeding programme for the community of children in Smokey Mountain for 4 weeks.

So I brought up the incredulity of the issue, and how it was simply painfully ironic for us to readily spend on a lavish dinner to celebrate my so-called contributions to the poor when this same money could be used for them.

“But I can’t give you both, Jia. You have to choose. It’s one or the other.”

It was like deja vu. Shortly after I made my choice clear, he walked out of my room with a smile. We’d been through this before- we had had the $2500-cheque written out for my suppposed racing bike, and it required a choice to give it away because simply put, my wants simply do not justify the needs of others.

If He were to ask you to give up everything, what would you choose to lose first? What is the thing that you will give up first?

Is it my possibly high-flying career in surgery. Is it marriage. Is it good reputation.

I do not know. All I know is that with sacrifice, comes temporal grief which eventually gives way to joy and breakthrough.

So I guess it’s okay. It’s no big deal. Sure it stings- I had already planned who I was going to invite to thank them for all their support- my publisher and his wife, my mentors, my relatives, Jo…

But I think they would understand.

What would I choose to lose if I had to give up everything?

Help me to lose myself in You, God. For things greater than myself, and things greater that this world has to offer.