Head and Shoulders.

We all have insecurities. They are dark things lurking at the back of our minds, lying dormant. Like cobwebs, they gather silently but surely and crowd out what ought to be fruitful space. And then, like a predator on the prowl, they can catch you off guard, and devour your spirit with savage ferocity. I have a bag of them.

I met Mr. Ho yesterday, the one teacher who made the single biggest impact in my life. He asked me, “How does it feel like becoming a doctor in one and a half years time?”

I looked at him, laughed while trying to hold back tears, and said, “I’m going through a crisis of faith, sir. It’s tough.”

Few will admit it, but most of us don’t feel adequate as we are. It takes so much to be a good doctor. You need competence and compassion- neither will do without the other. In our bid to conquer knowledge, we enter into rigorous training. Yet, it is the same training process we must endure and battle against, in order not to be dehumanised by it. You have to be sharp and amicable, even through a 36-hour shift, remain calm and understanding towards patients in the middle of the night, and alert enough to report the situation to your seniors. You have to be meticulous, on your feet, conscientious, compassionate and warm. All at the same time. I had one patient tell me once when she complained about a doctor who had brushed her aside, “I know you fellows are tired, but we all know doctoring is a tough job. If you can’t do it, they why be a doctor?”

Such are the demands in the hospital.

My insecurities lie in my uncertainty of becoming a capable doctor. I don’t know if I’ll ever be up to it, if I’ll ever be a good one. My absentmindedness bothers me, sometimes drives me up the wall. My insecurity of not knowing enough bothers me- I happen to work with a group of people who are extremely intelligent. I worry if I study enough, or if knowing too much has desensitized me. I sometimes wonder if my personality and genetic make-up were made for the study of medicine. I hate that someone once told me I ought to be doing something else. I hate the fact that people never do guess that I’m doing medicine, always appear shocked and feel the compulsion to express it by having to confirm my reply. A typical list of guesses of what I do run from doing arts, social work, teaching, journalism… and when I finally tell them I am a medical student, I cringe to hear, “Really? Oh you mean you’re becoming a nurse?” It is then that every fibre of my being resists the urge to strangulate, because I know it is not just my pride that has been wounded, but that my insecurities have been stirred up.

I don’t have anything against any other profession. I happen to respect nurses, teachers and social workers a great deal. The people I respect most come from these walks of life. I know it is just my insecurities playing these comments up, making me feel less, small, inadequate.

The insecurities are talking back in a shrill voice: Do I not give you the impression that I can be a doctor. Is it that difficult to believe that you have to ask me twice to confirm my profession-to-be? I know, that my anger lies not in their error, but in my own sense of inadequacy. My reaction only tells me how I feel toward myself, and gives me insight and reason for self-reflection. One voice is screaming incapability, while the other more rational one coolly defends All-roundedness.

Every day, the two voices battle it out.

So last week, feeling burnt out and tired from doing too many things, while I was rushing about and taking time off during our free time at the hospital to visit a patient at his home because he requested to see me, I lost a notebook with my Paediatrics notes. After feeling menopausal for about ten days already, it was the straw which broke my back. It wasn’t the first time I had been absent-minded, and it was then that all those insecurities about my ability to become a good doctor poured into my head like a flood. I just… broke.

Competence and compassion. You have to have both. Absentmindedness is not in the equation. Heavy-hearted, my eyes that weekend were sore from tears. It was just a tiny incident, but it was the last straw.

It’s funny. God seems to have a particular love for the broken-hearted and discouraged.

That afternoon, I went to see a paediatric patient. He, only 2 years of age, had been warded for days, because his eyes, tummy and legs had swollen up terribly. A few days ago, in my desperate attempt to find a patient for my written case assignment, I approached his mother, Mdm S, to interview her, only to be faced with a weary look. It was obvious that hoardes of students had interviewed her already, and she wanted rest. But she was very kind, and said she would give me ten minutes. I started to throw questions at her the way Mdm H had said other medical students had, and at once, stopped myself. This should not be the way. She is not my case write-up, she is a human being. As soon as I reminded myself of that, we built up rapport instantly. Ten minutes became thirty, and I had a good time playing with her son. I learnt so much that day, and she, too, found great solace in sharing her concerns with me about her son’s condition, which was likely to relapse.

So that afternoon, on the last day of my module at that hospital, I went to say goodbye. Mdm S chatted with me for a long time. She could tell I was heavy-hearted, too. I told her I lost a notebook, a very precious one, as well as a hundred-over-dollar library book. As God sent me as an angel to her, she too, was a source of great encouragement to me. That evening, she texted me, “It is a blessing to know you too. God works in mysterious ways. I am afraid of becoming bitter and depressed through these tribulations but somehow, He is still holding me. Angels must be around me, I’ll need to trust and let God. I will also pray for you. Remember, all you need is a willing heart to touch lives. God uses the simplest to fulfill great works… I can see no less in you!”

I learnt, that none of us are fully equipped in our callings. We fall short, we have failings, but it is through the journey with God that we become equipped, and learn to trust that He will see us through. All He needs is a willing heart. “Man looks at the outward appearance, but God looks at the heart.”- 1 Samuel. I am learning what Mdm S told me, that Man looks at our abilties, but God looks at our availability. The more inadequate we are, the more adequate He will be for us.

Still, I was a wreck. And as if God knew I needed an extra dose of encouragement, He sent a patient from my previous Obstetrics & Gynaecology module to pour His grace over me. Mdm H has delivered her premature baby safely, finally, and was back to visit her baby, Xi En, in the Special Care Nursery. She came specially to find me, and surprised me with a paper bag of chocolates and a Thank You card.

I learnt, that our insecurities are simply what they are- insecurities. We forget, that they are often ungrounded, and how easily these monsters will turn at the sight of a sword of truth. But we must be brave to wield it. We must be on guard to guard our minds, so nothing breaks our spirits. We must. Even if it is our very own friends or loved ones who say things which may hurt us.

Yes, I am not perfect. I don’t know everything. Maybe I can study harder. I ought to be less absent-minded and more alert. I know I don’t look like a doctor. I know I do a lot of things other than medicine. I know I giggle a lot, and that outside the hospital on any day, you’d guess I were a pre-school teacher instead of a surgeon.

But I am learning, it doesn’t matter.

Because when we do our best in Him, God will take care of our abilities. As long as we do our best and ensure our availability to Him to allow God to work what He needs to in us, things will work out eventually. We may not be head and shoulders above the rest in the eyes of the world, but when we let God make us into the best we can be, surely we are our best in His eyes. I am learning, that the doctors I know who change the lives of many, who turn communities around and impact societies, were hardly the ones who topped their class. I am trusting that God made me precisely this way for a reason. Yes, attention-deficient, adrenalin-pumping, arts-loving me for a reason.

Thank you Mdm S and Mdm H, for believing in me. And thank you God, for sending angels to affirm me with words of encouragement, from the very people you called me to serve in the first place.

“Remember, all you need is a willing heart to touch lives.

God uses the simplest to fulfill great works…

I can see no less in you!”

-Mdm T

“I understand that tough challenges lie ahead of you.

It won’t be easy being a doctor, furthermore a good doctor.

We all fall and are imperfect.

But I strongly believe God will give us the strength to go thru the trials…

Strongly believe that you have a special place in God’s heart and

you will turn out to be head and shoulders above the rest…

May God bless you with wisdom, a discerning heart

and a life partner in time to come! 🙂 … …

– Mdm H